March is the Month of Me

Since 2008, my world has been watching and wondering about the world of interactive media.  I surprized Chris with a trip to Miami so I could attend an amazing conference.  The information was fascinating.  I learned so much. I had so many ideas and opportunities that we could bring into our community.   Unfortunately, what I learned and hoped to bring into our business was not well received.  So I shut up.   Watching as Northwest Arkansas brought them to life around us.   I admitt it was tough and still is tough to some degree.  I am not sure where my opinions, thoughts and voice became so mute.  I guess it is from years of being silenced.  Trying to explain my thoughts, ideas and opinions and being spoke to as if I don’t know anything.   There were times when I felt this growing up.  I worked hard to find my voice and stand up for what I believed with confiction and confidence.   Telling others to not use the inappropiate word about people.  Or at least not in my prescence.  Or telling someone to not use those words because they sound stupid when they use them.   As I now watch our children to grow and attempt to be respected and loved even when they think I am stupid.   As someone recently told me at different points of our children’s advancement, we have a feeling of have I taught them enough.  We feel an anxiety about what they still need to know.   As Gigi drives off in cars by herself, Chris and I have to sigh, breath and remember, we will never say or share enough.  She will have expereinces that her body, mind and spirit will help her be guide through those moments.   Once again, I am reminded that people would say you don’t understand what your future holds, wether that was growing into adulthood, getting married, having children or realzing that our big dreams of our childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age have changed then the changed again.  and they will continue to evolve and change as our lives expereinces evolve.  Sometimes it is difficult to remember what’s mine is mine, what’s theirs is theirs and what’s ours is ours?!!  and the world of expectaions is very surprizing.   Or suspecting a truth that my gut, mind and spirits didn’t begin to let me understand for soooo much time.  And with this surprize brings continued anxiety, anger, all emotions as I try to reconcile my thoughts and beliefs about this possible surprize.  As those around me say why does it matter?  What will it change?  As I cry and try to push it back down like I have done with so many emotions through my years.  For as long as I can remember, my crying was questioned or I was told I was too sensitive.  Sometimes I can be at peace knowing that is just who I am.  Sometimes I wish I could say inaproppriate words to those saying it and as WTF is wrong with you that you aren’t sensitive to these issues?  Or I could say WTF I said the same thing over and over and wasn’t respected or heard, but now that it’s out of the mouths of others or even you now have the idea, it is respected, valued and acted upon.   When our girls were younger, I recall discussing we have be the example we want for our children.   So if we are meek, too sensitive, too selfish, too loud, too mean, too aggressive, to opiniated, too assinine, too compassionate, they will learn that those are the ways we are suppose to be.  For example, if I demand time for myself, my friends, my husband, my family or have to fight to be heard and respected,  We will model this and they will grow up to not stand up to their loved ones, not take the needed time for themself with friends, family, not stand in their turths or their beliefs with strength and confidence to know that even though they may not agree with others each have the right to believe, practice, move throughout this world in the way that works for them.  Knowing that if our thoughts, actions, hopes and dreams for others are ours for them.  We can still love them and should feel their love and good intentions, when they stand in their convictions.  I used to say that if my father or brother saw others speak to me of my mother in the way that they speak to us, they would be FUCKING pissed at us for being abused in that way.   Yes they may have been fucking pissed at the person abusing us that way.  But I wonder would they be fucking pissed at us for standing my and doing nothing.   Would they not see themselves in the person abusing us? Would they not see that we behave this way because we have been conditioned to behave this way?  Recently a friend passed,  I wonder will I forever questions some of my choices and decisions surrounding the circumstances that lead to his death.  Will I find peace knowing that I was working from a place of love and due to my previous life experences, I had to pull back when I wanted to run to their side.  Should I have fought more to be with him, knowing that my husband and children had other hopes and needs from me.   Looking back, sure I should have, could have and would have.   Once again, I am confused by what stories are mine, theirs or ours.  Being asked to share others truths for them.  Is this a gift? A burden?  Or should they share their truths?  As I questions the truths, that may have been withheld most of a lifetime to be shared with me.  I have to question why?  where they scared to tell me?  where they sad to tell me?  where they afraid that I would not love them anymore?  where they afraid that I might not understand?  where they needing to tell me this truth so they could let go?  Then once they told me, I discredited their word and their truths and tried to explain in my best understanding of what they must have meant.  Yeah your my dad.  Well your not my dad but you are my dad.   Oh forget about it.  Are we okay?  yes you love me i love you and that’s all that really matters.  lyb

 

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