Special or Scam

In 2008, I went to an interactive media conference.   It was facination and frighting.  I cam back fired up with ideas and thoughts.  Quickly denied and rejected by my work partners.  Facebook is for fun not to reach people!  We should have started our own facebook which would have been StarShopper community.  It could have been a site for NWA using some of the same functionality of sites like facebook.  Calenders, events, links to publications, feeds distributed through a variety of sites  IE  autos, real estate, business directories, event venues, cities and soooo much more.   My voice was not strong enough to help them see what I coud see for our future.   So ten years later here we are ceasing printing the paper after 44 years, laying off people who had been with us over 30 years.  So where do I go from here?  Chris and I continue to work in the family business.  We often feel like we are drowning, swimming upstream to keep up.  We through a thought our idea and it sometimes seems to fall on deaf ears.  Until one of the others mentions the same thing and then oh I never thought of it that way.  Imagine that!  I sometimes feel like my father is back pacing at 4 wondering where he was going to eat that night.  And I wish he were still here so that I could say Hugos!  Bordinos! Arsagas! Hermans! Tims! Shogun! Meji! East Side Grill and more.  So many he never got to try.  Hugos will probably remain my favorite for soooo many reasons.  So many memories!  From my youth, adolescence, young adult, mid adult and current adult and to future adult.   As I child, my favorite was the beef stroganoff crepes.  Once I worked there and received a free meal for working the day shift.  I fell in love with every meal on the menu.  And I fell in love with my bosses and all the people I worked with over the years.  Chris worked there after me.  I say if we have worked together like we do now, we may never have married.  My laid back, hippie style of whatever may have appealled to him in some ways.  Though I may have disgusted him, when I didn’t respect all of his organization styles that made him a good Hugos manager.   I still wonder why did I not go to Lamars funeral.  Was it on a Tuesday?  Was I too overwelmed by his death and scared to be overcome with the emotions.  I still wish I had gone.   Should have would have could have.  Some other funerals I have wished that I could have attended were chris knight, chris setser, todd debryan.  Some we were traveling, some were too close to other emotinal funerals.  I do believe that you do what you can when you can.   Chris has showed up for me so often.  Then I wonder if I have disappointed him when I don’t go to his realitives funeral when we are in town.  Sometimes I don’t go because it’s too much for me.   Grief can sometimes be all around us.  Even in our joys.  For I am so happy that Gigi can drive.  Though that means she is moving more and more towards independence and freedom. I am excited for her!  Happy for her!  Proud of her!  and can’t wait to see how both Renee and Gigi move about their worlds.  Their Dreams are Big and Our dreams are big too.  Though the dreams must be theirs not ours!   Will they love another?  Will they master their craft?  Will they see the world?  Will they cure cancer?  Will they be president?  Will they climb mountains?  Will they have ups and downs and all arounds?  Of course they will!  They will do all of this and soooo much more.    For now I am attempting to be a selfish and determine what is next for me and our family.  That being me, chris and the girls.  It’s hard to set boundaries with my mom, siblings, my husband and my children.   weather it’s this is what i am doing, do i need to ask permission, do I have to discuss ever decision with all of you?!  am i being selfish!  yes to some degree I am for my own self presevation.  I am attempting to do what I can for me that will be good for me and for our family.  My core family.  ME, chris, gigi and renee!     Working with my family has proven to be good and bad.  I must move past some of the history.  Of not being respected valued or heard.  Or at least feeling that way.  Though everytime I attempt to set a boundary or share an opnion, it is often met with such questioning.  IE:  why are you ordering papertowels from Office Depot?   Then the next is you and chris are business as usual.   And then me hearing that I don’t know why she is busy.  All she has to do is go to the post office, do a greensheet and go to bank.  While I am actually, taking calls, processing payments, working deals, processing 401K, taxes, closing out many moving business pieces.  All the while looking for my way out or my way to stay in that works for ME!   Chris is having nightmares of me leaving with the girls.  Or he is scared when I say I want to go on an interview.  He seems to tell me absolutely no about some jobs I have considered.   Which of course makes my hair crawl.  Whose decisions are these?  Mine? Yes I am thinking of our family in all of the decisions that I make.   For example when he was concerned about my decision to allocate some money to buy certain stocks.  And Kraig too may have felt like it was unneccessary.  And maybe it was!  But yes my head continues to consider some of my unknowns of my past. My birth, my adoption and what all that means now.  Chris keeps asking what would it change?  Why do you want to know?  Why did monica want to know?  What has she gained by knowing?  He has discussed hoping to have a relationship with her so that he doesn’t feel like he lost her again.   Well in all of my stuff, I feel like I have lost my dad again.  Lost what I thought I knew to be true!   Converstation being asked will I be able to forgive him?  As I said before yes I will have to I ahve no other choice.  I continue to  wonder what all is it that I am forgiving?  Forgiveness comes in many shapes and sizes.  Do i seek my story and see forgiveness for finding my truth.  Will my answers open me to more pain and questioning?  the unknown seems so daunting and overwhelming.  is it what i choose to focus on due to the other stresses around me.  our teenagers are launching and we are scared.  our business and lives are launching.  we have had so much flexibility.  will we miss some of that.  could i find peace in going to a simple boring job and not thinking of my family business.  or do i want a more complex job to learn something new and grow my skillsets.  or start something new and include our children in that?  Though everything I attempt to discuss with chris, I get kickback.  So I try to make plans for myself and then the kickback from Chris, our girls, my other family makes me pause and not move forward.  So then I go back to doing for others not for me.   This is my life!  I must do for me!  So our girls will do for themselves and stand up for themselves.  Boys and Girls will rule the world!!!!!   #FarOutStars

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s