When I tagged everything as laid back 09. People were worried and wondered what it meant. Once again I am using a word and people want to know. It’s hard for me to explain st time and do people really want to know or are the about curious. For it means a lot to me. It’s like my graphite tag. I leave it along my way. In words in chalk or through out the universe. It’s my way of grounding myself and reconnecting and pausing and thinking for a moment what really matters. FarOutStars is similar to the words love and faith. For I know it but sometimes struggle to understand it all or share it all. For me FarOutStars incorporates some of my beliefs. Spirits and stars are all around us all the time. They come in all sorts of forms: people animals, weather, ideas, emotions, behaviors, science. It’s a way of reminding myself to take a breath. Lean into it. For what is this moment teaching me. Breath sits still and meditate. For many years some things won’t leave me my mind. Who am I? What do I believe? Where do I begin? Why are these questions so strong now? When will I explore these questions more?
As my counselor said. Identity crisis? Of course I dismissed that sound too big too scary and maybe too hard to even know where to start. So I meet with him weekly and I am all over the place. Talking a mile a minute. Him struggling to keep up and trying to intercede to try to help me lean in to some of the things that hurt. ie: I am a Middle Aged adopted women who is in shaky ground due to the season of my life. Lots of change happening with me my family my work and our world. I believe life is a delicate dance. Sometimes it’s a ballet sometimes it’s something my body just wants to do to workout some things. So at moments when I am quite and reflective I may be dancing through my emotions and thoughts like a fast broadway performance that leads to a slow contemplative ballet scene. With my favorite deadmanpose at the end. Thinking FarOutStars or maybe thinking full of shit! So like many words sometimes there are more than one meaning in the word. Faroutstars can also mean full of shit to me. FarOutStars =F.O.S!!! So this brings me back to some of the additional futures I have considered. A new business. Llc boys and girls will run the world. DBA FarOutStars. Photo booths, a site that pulls are car dealers inventory a place for all local events are placed. A site for our community to learn see and know what’s happening. Chambers CVS
Photobooth / blog
So do I move forward with these sort of business ideas
Continue to work in family business.
Get job learn other skill sets
Stay at home and focus on our children and our families needs
So what are my DREAM BIG thoughts. more peace peace in know who I am peace in knowing what I want to do. Acting on what I want and not feeling like I have to sell my idea to all of those who love me or that I love. Act in a way that I truly know I am acting out of a place a place of good with the best of intentions for me and those I love. Knowing that I am loved by many. Even when we fight or I am frustrated by actions or reminded of past frustrations or future frustrations.
Here and now Who knows what’s next. I do believe that when the moments we catastrophize about happen our FarOutStar strength wisdom and peace will come as well. We will morph in to what we need. We will fight or flight.
With all of this I reflect to a friend I recently lost. Should I have met him at the hospital. Yes. I was putting my needs and fears above his. He was in need of love and compassion and I failed him and I failed myself. I worried what I may be walking into. I had heard lots about his ups and downs with others saying stay out of that shit. All the while remembering and reflecting on my father’s death and recalling what he may have waited my entire life to share with me. Or have I miss understood something again. Was he telling me no Sarah I am your father not just adopted but biological. Wtf. Even in that moment I was rewording his words. Yes I know you are but you aren’t. And he said oh forget it as his body needed to cough up blood and phlegm. Then he asked are we okay. And I said I love you you love me and that’s all that matters! Barney comes to mind. I love you you love me we are happy family. So in these moments when my family is going through so many things you are right here too. So I second guess myself don’t stand up for my thought and opinions. Am fearful of being talked down to or yelled at or wonder if people are thinking I’m crazy. Sometimes thinking maybe they are all crazy and I am Zane. Knowing all family’s are dysfunctional. They are functioning the best they can. So I am functioning to the best of my abilities. Facing my fears and emotions and dancing around them at times or leaning into them at times. Trying to build my character and relationships with many so that if I decide to explore my truths I will have the support needed to discover the my truth. I really want to believe that I will find a completely different truth and will be able to breathe. But I do fear it may be similar to the born with teeth adoption story. That she had to fight and fight and fight to get the true identity of her daughter. If I open my records and find two other names as my biological parents Will I breath a sigh and stop thinking of my adoption pieces and be able to rebuild with my family and feel more confident in my answers. Would DNA and ancestor research give me some piece as to who I am. It’s like opening Pandora’s box. Afraid to open afraid not to open. All the while I try to stuff the questions that won’t stop screaming at me in my simple moments of peace. Trying to remind myself of all the ways my dad cared for me protected me loved me guided me and frustrated me. Wanting to believe it was all done with my best interests in mind. As I now question who was helping him with his needs who comforted him. Who helped him. May he be at peace wherever he is.
Weird dates of mine that I connect to other things. My uncle died on the day I celebrate or acknowledge my adoption. My grandmother died on my birthday. Monica found Chris soon after her father’s death. My father died the day after Mother’s Day. My grandfather died in Father’s Day. Man made holidays then have other anniversaries. All of which have many many emotions tied to them. In all of my wondering I have begun to wonder if the founder of social work Jane Adams was a relative of Virginia Adams Stowe. I know that my great-grandmother was a pioneer women in many ways. She divorced because her husband cheated on her with her best friend. She helped with birthing babies. One who went on to become a priest. The same one that confused me so much at her burial because I kept asking where her first husband was. And he spoke sweetly and softly and kept saying he’s there he’s buried right there xx.xx Auer is buried right there. I soon felt stupid and confused. Like did he not know about her first husband or was I just not to speak of him. Wtf. If the religions way is to just not acknowledge what they choose to not believe. How do we sort out the pieces that are complete truths. Like her first husband cheated on her. So she moved on and found another man to love. And I believe she probably had some love for both of them throughout her life and even at her death. Maybe she’s dancing laughing with all her exes and loved ones she had. When you love to be 103 I can only imagine all the loved ones she has to dance with. For both my great grandma and my grandma loved to be 103. Will my mom get the gift of living to 103? Who’s to say. I always immediately discredited my family’s health history for it was not mine. I knew no health history. For now I wonder do I now or do I not. Do I create my own health history. Over the years when doctors ask this I say no. I asked one doctor and they said well by not knowing we may assume that you may have history with whatever possible issue you are currently having. Ie. Cancer in your vagina, mental health issues, heart issues, Breast cancer, skin cancer, diabetes, panic attacks, addictions, allergies, fibromyalgia. Who the fuck knows. WTF. does it matter some choose to have genetic testing to know some of their genetics that will give them some possible idea of potential health risks. Would knowing you will have Breast cancer or Alzheimer’s help you to not get them or to help you love a better life now. I imagine that we are all suppose to. E livening our best life always so that we will have our health and wits about us through all of it. Or is it all a sack of shit and we have to move through the shitty muddy waters at each turn and determine what to do next. #Faroutstars love ya bye