As March comes to a close I feel a mixed bag of emotions. I’m not ready to give up the month of me. I feel like I need more time for me to do what I want.
Should the month of me roll into April and keep rolling til August.
One minute Chris seems to understand some of my needs and wants. But it soon moves to his needs and wants. For example I really want to go see some property. But instead we spend a day clearing and burning at someone else’s property. Then this week my request for him to not go work at the harrison’s cabin. I had to justify why my focus continues to be on office not our garage. He wants me to retire. He seems to struggle to consider my wants hopes and fears. Similar to my brothers he wants to question my decisions on what to focus on or how I should do the things that I am doing.
Attempting to find my voice and build my support team continues to be a challenge for me and our children. I attempt to set boundaries and they get blurred. I am attempting to determine my options what my future will bring. As those around me seem to want everything to remain the same without consideration for what my dreams and hopes are. I have to admit this makes me dream past theses days and years to when will I get to do what my dreams and hopes are. I am attempting to think of dreams and hopes that can transfer to other places. Though others won’t consider some of my thoughts. It’s as if I don’t really have a choice. A big chink of my 401k came from my parents. At least half of it. Therefore I have considered using up to half on what I want. IE stocks for kids after our death. Cash to get us through summer and maybe the next two years. Buying out of the business. Starting s new business. Going back to school. Searching out my birth records. Starting a new business. Buying property. Participating in community in new ways. So many options. At times I feel like I have so many options. And other times I don’t feel like I have any options. As I attempt to get jobs only to get the run around in the same way I have given the run around. Only one place seemed to consider me. Maybe now I will reconsider returning to working with children. May not be the best opportunity for maintaining or advancing financially. But I could use some of my skills that could benefit me and the children. Work with purpose. While continuing to network parent and manager pieces of the current business I am currently managing. For five years I attempted to manage the pieces and my time in the way I wanted. I was not able to get the support I needed to do that. Will this phase be different. So that I can find some peace in managing many of the complex pieces of the business only for others to assume someone else is doing them or understands them. Or I have to do all the work and then have others present it so that it’s valued. Sounds like a #faroutstars situation. A bunch of full of shit.