Power of me power of now

So as the month of me moves closer to the end. What do I choose to do over the next several days? Work? Volunteer? Job search? Business research? Fun research? Pray? Connect? Connect? Reconnect? Read? Relax? Connect with me? Act on my todo lists not others. My wants my needs my dreams my desires. Dream big. Be the upstander. Be the #faroutstars.

Me me me

I recall a friend from elementary and high school named meme. I remember in elementary school at some point she was raising her hand saying me! Me! When the teacher was asking for a volunteer. Someone in her class said now I know how she got her name. Her real name wasn’t meme but that’s what she was called for years. The last time I saw her she was in town visiting her family and she was at the park with some of her nieces. It was so good to see her. Her father died recently. but I wasn’t able to go to his funeral. It’s weird that I sometimes can do them and sometimes can’t. Our lives are so busy and sometimes I recognize that I choose not to go to something to meet others needs. Not my own needs. As I am trying to get out of town to go to harrisons cabin for a couple days of spring break. I am met with frustrations by those around me. As long as I am saying yes and agreeing to those around me all is good. Once I ask for help or suggest something I seem to be met with debates or discussion on how I should do it different or not do something. Or with the kids saying do I have to? Maybe I should get better at saying I don’t have to. I don’t have to rush to get out of town. I don’t have to rush to get work that I need to do for. I dont t have to rush to consider other jobs or options. I want to go look at s pi cw of proooerty that I think we could buy with part of my 401k or start a business with my 401k. But if I attempt to discuss with chris I am met with frustration. Like I have to justify and sell him o. Every thought or idea I have. If I want to rearrange our home. It’s like I have to get approval from chris and the girls. And if I do it then they just bitch and moan and rearrange. Or if I say I to fill up the car with gas I get an argument because the gas station near our house is 25 cent more then other place. But if I am saying yes to manfest or weekend and my Emery’s cabin doing trails or working st harrisons cabin or taking girls to silver dollar City. All good. But if I want a trip somewhere or something I feel a mug great let need to justify it all. If I want to go to a movie everyday I seem like I shouldn’t. Maybe I should. I know I should. As I move through this season of my life it will be interesting to see what I decide to do for me and my family. Some times being selfish is needed for self preservation.

Sunday Funday!

sunday funday.  can be so many different things.  to me at different times. it means different things.  for today, it’s resting and relaxing, cleaning organizing, planning and dreaming of what’s to come.   whose list do we work off.  my list my husbands, my childrens.  what are the goals for the day.   what gets me the best version of myself.  a commong theme is that i often feel that their is not enough time in a day to do all the things i want to do.   and i set out on a day hoping to accomplish so much.  then other issues or things come up and the original plans get moved to another day.   yesterday, i was able to do what i wanted with little feelings of guilt.  this is not so common for me.  i often think of what i should be doing.  knowing that sometimes doing nothing is as important as doing something.   so far we have watched a facinating docummentary suggested by a friend.   registered one child for testing.  discussed some things that we tend to struggle to discuss.  helped girls move furniture.  make fun plans.  discuss some of things we want to accomplish today.  not surprizing everyone in our family have a different goal for today and spring break.   it will be interesting to see what we accomplish.  my hope is moments of rest, relaxation and some communication to reach some common goals.   look up.  we all must learn to look up again.  look up from screens, connect with those around us.  see the good around us.  see the positive and see what good will come to us today, tomorrow and to infinity and beyond.   l

smile sarah smile

what will today bring?  will my day be filled with others needs and wants or my needs and wants?  march is suppose to be the month of me.  though i have the words and wants of others around me screaming over my march bucket list.   time to read time to write time to network time to nest in my house not our families building.  i am attempting to set boundaries everywhere.  with myself, with my closest loved ones and some of my loved ones that are a bit more removed and then also with my time and space.  how do i want to use my time at this point of my life? do i want to be more available to our children and my husband in helping meet all of their needs and wants?  do I want to explore other ventures or opportunities to build my skills set.  well i want a bit of all of that.  do i want to work under chris on the car lots.  i know that i don’t have the grit for that as well as i am not sure that our marriage would sustain that stress.   i worry and wonder about our marriage throughout many points.  for example when our girls are going through things and we can’t find the time to discuss or determine how to move through these phases together.  whose anxiety or issues should be focused on?  as i have been reading aspergirls.  i identify with some of the things said.  though i know if i read any book i could self diagnosis myself with any and all of the diseases.  i recall when i was a bored teenage, the hospital had a phone system that allowed you to call and press one to learn more about diabetes, 2 to learn about heart disease, 3 to learn about mental health issues, 4 to learn about cancer………   fyi.  i called a lot.  these numbers don’t actually reflect what the real numbers corresponded with what disease.  i also learned a lot about the DSM.  once i let my license go and was too fearful to take my masters licensing exam.  i gave up diagnosing people.  doesn’t mean those thoughts aren’t in my head.  and i am triggered when others around me loosely diagnose others around them.  or when chris talks about people around them that may be high on illegal drugs or act weird due to other drugs or behaviors.   my hairs raise because i often think his issues may benefit from meds or counseling or both.  though he wants to ask if i am on my medicine.  and i want to go you should be evaluated for what meds or counseling could benefit you and our family.  as well as i can easily see behaviors and issues occurring in our children.   i am not eager to take them and get them diagnosis due to the stigma that goes along with diagnosis. whether they are mental health or physical health issues.  i have had several times in my life that i have questioned my health heart.  i have always minimized them as anxiety, heartburn or other stuff to breath and keep breathing and praying that i won’t have a heart attach.  the first really bad one was years ago when the children were still in diapers and chris was at man fest.  i literally was massaging the arteries in my neck to soothe and make sure blood was flowing the way it should. i made it through the weekend without calling 911.   renee recently said that we are all going to have heart attacks someday at our pace.  with all of my health issues over the years, i always dismissed any health issues of my family due to the fact that i was adopted.   i see issues in many of my family members.  knowing some of my mothers tells for when she is anxious.  knowing some of my fathers tells for his anxieties and issues.   with my suspicions, i now wonder if knowing some of my health history would bring me peace or more questions.  i know some who have done dna testing to help eliminate if they have certain genes that are predisposed to certain issues.  i have considered and wondered.  would i want to know that i could predisposed to old timers disease, cancer, heart issues, mental health issues.  so as i start the day, how will i choose to fill my time.  listening to an interesting program about female pilots of world war II.  The women wasps were serving their country and then disbanded and not acknowledge or helped after their service.   women have come a long way since the women of world war II.  at some point in my life, I lost my voice and became quite.  not standing up for my

Go Girls Go!

Written by Sarah Fennel Buchannan:  RETORE Humanity!

Today is International Women’s Day, which means it is time again for our “Support Other Women Period” campaign! Last year we were able to provide maxi pads for almost almost 500 girls for the entire year and this year we are kicking it up to 750! The high school population that we support just keeps growing, so we have to grow with it.

The women of Restore Humanity believe the best way to celebrate International Women’s Day is for each of us to look at other women and find out what they really need–and then find effective ways to help provide it.  Here in the US our focus tends to be on the necessity for our equality, respect, and opportunity–and rightfully so!  However, we are remiss if we fail to notice the huge chasm between groups of women when it comes to more basic needs.  And what could be more basic, or more of a woman’s issue than our periods?  AH! Yes I said it.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of ladies. Half of the world’s population deals with this one week out of every month, so we should be able to talk about it.

While “lady-time” is no picnic for anyone, for millions of women and girls worldwide it means so much more than discomfort. Millions of women and girls do not have access to maxi pads or tampons at all simply because they cannot afford them. However, every woman knows that nature will still take its course and “Aunt Flo” is coming whether you want her to or not. So unfortunately these girls and women have to use things like mud, sticks, leaves, pieces of a foam mattress, or old rags to try to manage their cycles. Not only do these things not work, they sometimes cause harmful infections.

The statistics are staggering. For example,  some estimates say that the average girl in Kenya misses 4.9 days of school every month, every single month of the school year.  That means they’re missing at least 20% of their school year due to lack of maxi pads! That is just unacceptable. Period.

In 2012 I met with the girl students at Sirembe Secondary School (In Kenya) to talk about life and being a girl. At some point our discussion turned to the issue of schoolgirls having sex with older men, which is a problem for many reasons, not the least of which is the rapid spread of HIV. I asked them why girls were doing this and the first answer I got was “they do it to get money to buy things like maxi pads.”  My jaw hit the floor. As I was leaving I asked them if there was one thing that I could do to help them, what would it be? Unanimously they said “Please buy us maxi pads.”

Since then Restore Humanity has provided maxi pads for the girls at Sirembe Secondary School, even as their population has continued you grow rapidly. When we first started it was less than 100 girls and now it is 596!  While getting them pads was the most important thing, the impact on the environment was always in the back of our mind. The plastic in maxi pads is non-biodegradable which means they stay in landfills for about 800 years! So if we buy pads for 596 girls each month, and if each girl uses that pack of 12 every month, that is 7,152 pads thrown away each month and 85,824 per year from just one high school in rural Kenya! (432 million pads are disposed of each month globally).

The good news last year was that we found another way! An incredible social business in Uganda called Afripads makes reusable maxi pads that last for an entire year and they are amazing! They employ close to 200 people in Uganda and upwards of 95% of them are women (in all levels of the business). They partner with nonprofits and women’s groups and have reached over a million women and girls with their products.

A packet of Afripads contains 3 daytime pads and 1 nighttime pad and a storage bag.  This packet costs around $5 and it lasts for an entire year. I have tested them out myself and feedback from all the girls last year was all positive! They are really comfortable, they actually work really well, and they’re also really easy to wash and take care of! There are so many reasons why we love this program and here are just a few:

  1. We help girls be safe, stay in school, and manage their periods with confidence and comfort.
  2. We help the environment in a big way.
  3. We support a social business in Africa that employs almost 200 women.

So pretty much it is a win, win, win, win.  How could it get any better than that?!?

HERE IS WHERE YOU COME IN

We want to buy 750 packets of Afripads at the end of this month–600 for the High School in Sirembe, Kenya (where all of our projects are located) and 150 for the primary school girls in 7th and 8th grade. Again, this packet will last these girls ALL YEAR!

We need to raise $3,600 by March 31st. So our goal is to get 100 people to give $36 each! Of course you can always give more and if you you cannot give that much, please know that every little bit helps. Let us all celebrate the month of women by supporting those of us who need it the most!

DONATE HERE

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Faroutstars equals full of shit. #Faroutstars = F.O.S.

When I tagged everything as laid back 09. People were worried and wondered what it meant. Once again I am using a word and people want to know. It’s hard for me to explain st time and do people really want to know or are the abut curious. For it means a lot to me. It’s like my graphiti tag. I leave it along my way. In words in chalk or through out the universe. It’s my way of grounding myself and reconnecting and pausing and thinking for a moment what really matters. FarOutStars is similar to the words love and faith. For I know it but sometimes struggle to understand it all or share it all. For me FarOutStars incorporates some of my beliefs. Spirits and stars are all around us all the time. They come in all sorts of forms: people animals, weather, ideas, emotions, behaviors, science. It’s a way of reminding myself to take a breath. Lean into it. For what is this moment teaching me. Breath sit still and meditate. For many years some things won’t leave me my mind. Who am I? What do I believe? Where do I begin? Why are these questions so strong now? When will I explore these questions more?

As my counselor said. Identity crisis? Of course I dismissed that sound too big too scary and maybe too hard to even know where to start. So I meet with him Weeklly and I am all over the place. Talking a mile a minute. Him struggling to keep up and trying to intercede to try to help me lean in to some of the things that hurt. ie: I am a Middle Aged adopted women who is in shaky ground due to the season of my life. Lots of change happening with me my family my work and our world. I believe life is a delicate dance. Sometimes it’s a ballet sometimes it’s something my body just wants to do to workout some things. So at moments when I am quite and reflective I may be dancing through my emotions and thoughts like a fast broadway performance that leads to a slow contemplative ballet scene. With my favorite deadmanpose at the end. Thinking FarOutStars or maybe thinking full of shit! So like many words sometimes their are more than one meaning in the word. Faroutstars can also mean full of shit to me. FarOutStars =F.O.S!!! So this brings me back to some of the additional futures I have considered. A new business. Llc boys and girls will run the world. DBA FarOutStars. Photo booths, a site that pulls are car dealers inventory a place for all local events are placed. A site for our community to learn see and know what’s happening. Chambers CVS

STARSHOPPERSTARS

Starshopperautos

FAROUTSTARS

Photobooth / blog

STARSHOPPER PAGE

EVENTS PAGE

So do I move forward with these sort of business ideas

Continue to work in family business.

Get job learn other skill sets

Stay at home and focus on our children and our families needs

So what are my DREAM BIG thoughts. more peace peace in know who I am peace in knowing what I want to do. Acting on what I want and not feeling like I have to sell my idea to all of those who love me or that I love. Act in a way that I truly know I am acting out of a place a place of good with the best of intentions for me and those I love. Knowing that I am loved by many. Even when we fight or I am frustrated by actions or reminded of past frustrations or future frustrations.

Here and now Who knows what’s next. I do believe that when the moments we catast ophize about happen our FarOutStar strength wisdom and peace will come as well. We will morphe in to what we need. We will fight or flight.

With all of this I reflect to a friend I recently lost. Should I have met him at the hospital. Yes. I was putting my needs and fears above his. He was in need of love and compassion and I failed him and I failed myself. I worried what I may be walking into. I had heard lots about his ups and downs with others saying stay out of that shit. All the while remembering and reflecting on my fathers death and recalling what he may have waited my entire life to share with me. Or have I miss understood something again. Was he telling me no sarah I am your father not just adopted but biological. Wtf. Even in that moment I was rewording his words. Yes I know you are but you aren’t. And he said oh forget it as his body needed to cough up blood and phlegm. Then he asked are we okay. And I said I love you you love me and that’s all that matters! Barney comes to mind. I love you you love me we are happy family. So in these moments when my family is going through so many things you are right here too. So I second guess myself don’t stand up for my thought and opinions. Am fearful of being talked down to or yelled at or wonder if people are thinking I’m crazy. Sometimes thinking maybe they are all crazy and I am Zane. Knowing all family’s are dysfunctional. They are functioning the best they can. So I am functioning to the best of my abilities. Facing my fears and emotions and dancing around them at times or leaning into them at times. Trying to build my character and relationships with many so that if I decide to explore my truths I will have the support needed to discover the my truth. I really want to believe that I will find a completely different truth and will be able to breath. But I do fear it may be similar to the born with teeth adoption story. That she had to fight and fight and fight to get the true identity of her daughter. If I open my records and find two other names as my biological parents Will I breath a sigh and stop thinking of my adoption pieces and be able to rebuild with my family and feel more confident in my answers. Would DNA and ancestor research give me some piece as to who I am. It’s like opening Pandora’s box. Afraid to open afraid not to open. All the while I try to stuff the questions that won’t stop screaming at me in my simple moments of peace. Trying to remind myself of all the ways my dad cared for me protected me loved me guided me and frustrated me. Wanting to believe it was all done with my best interests in mind. As I now question who was helping him with his needs who comforted him. Who helped him. May he be at peace wherever he is.

Weird dates of mine that I connect to other things. My uncle died on the day I celebrate or acknowledge my adoption. My grandmother died on my birthday. Monica found chris soon after her fathers death. My father died the day after Mother’s Day. My grandfather died in Father’s Day. Man made holidays then have other anniversaries. All of which have many many emotions tied to them. In all of my wondering I have begun to wonder if the founder of social work Jane Adams was a relative of Virginia Adams Stowe. I know that my great grandmother was a pioneer women in many ways. She divorced because her husband cheated on her with her best friend. She helped with birthing babies. One who went on to become a priest. The same one that confused me so much at her burial because I kept asking where her first husband was. And he spoke sweetly and softly and kept saying he’s there he’s buried right there xx.xx Auer is buried right there. I soon felt stupid and confused. Like did he not know about her first husband or was I just not to speak of him. Wtf. If the religions way is to just not acknowledge what they choose to not believe. How do we sort out the pieces that are complete truths. Like her first husband cheated on her. So she moved on and found another man to love. And I believe she probably had some love for both of them throughout her life and even at her death. Maybe she’s dancing laughing with all her exes and loved ones she had. When you love to be 103 I can only imagine all the loved ones she has to dance with. For both my great grandma and my grandma loved to be 103. Will my mom get the gift of living to 103? Who’s to say. I always immediately discredited my families health history for it was not mine. I knew no health history. For now I wonder do I now or do I not. Do I create my own health history. Over the years when doctors ask this I say no. I asked one doctor and they said well by not knowing we may assume that you may have history with whatever possible issue you are currently having. Ie. Cancer in your vagina, mental health issues, heart issues, Breast cancer, skin cancer, diabetes, panic attacks, addictions, allergies, fibromyalgia. Who the fuck knows. WTF. does it matter some choose to have genetic testing to know some of their genetics that will give them some possible idea of potential health risks. Would knowing you will have Breast cancer or Alzheimer’s help you to not get them or to help you love a better life now. I imagine that we are all suppose to. E livening our best life always so that we will have our health and wits about us through all of it. Or is it all a sack of shit and we have to move through the shitty muddy waters at each turn and determine what to do next. #Faroutstars love ya bye

u

Special or Scam

In 2008, I went to an interactive media conference.   It was facination and frighting.  I cam back fired up with ideas and thoughts.  Quickly denied and rejected by my work partners.  Facebook is for fun not to reach people!  We should have started our own facebook which would have been StarShopper community.  It could have been a site for NWA using some of the same functionality of sites like facebook.  Calenders, events, links to publications, feeds distributed through a variety of sites  IE  autos, real estate, business directories, event venues, cities and soooo much more.   My voice was not strong enough to help them see what I coud see for our future.   So ten years later here we are ceasing printing the paper after 44 years, laying off people who had been with us over 30 years.  So where do I go from here?  Chris and I continue to work in the family business.  We often feel like we are drowning, swimming upstream to keep up.  We through a thought our idea and it sometimes seems to fall on deaf ears.  Until one of the others mentions the same thing and then oh I never thought of it that way.  Imagine that!  I sometimes feel like my father is back pacing at 4 wondering where he was going to eat that night.  And I wish he were still here so that I could say Hugos!  Bordinos! Arsagas! Hermans! Tims! Shogun! Meji! East Side Grill and more.  So many he never got to try.  Hugos will probably remain my favorite for soooo many reasons.  So many memories!  From my youth, adolescence, young adult, mid adult and current adult and to future adult.   As I child, my favorite was the beef stroganoff crepes.  Once I worked there and received a free meal for working the day shift.  I fell in love with every meal on the menu.  And I fell in love with my bosses and all the people I worked with over the years.  Chris worked there after me.  I say if we have worked together like we do now, we may never have married.  My laid back, hippie style of whatever may have appealled to him in some ways.  Though I may have disgusted him, when I didn’t respect all of his organization styles that made him a good Hugos manager.   I still wonder why did I not go to Lamars funeral.  Was it on a Tuesday?  Was I too overwelmed by his death and scared to be overcome with the emotions.  I still wish I had gone.   Should have would have could have.  Some other funerals I have wished that I could have attended were chris knight, chris setser, todd debryan.  Some we were traveling, some were too close to other emotinal funerals.  I do believe that you do what you can when you can.   Chris has showed up for me so often.  Then I wonder if I have disappointed him when I don’t go to his realitives funeral when we are in town.  Sometimes I don’t go because it’s too much for me.   Grief can sometimes be all around us.  Even in our joys.  For I am so happy that Gigi can drive.  Though that means she is moving more and more towards independence and freedom. I am excited for her!  Happy for her!  Proud of her!  and can’t wait to see how both Renee and Gigi move about their worlds.  Their Dreams are Big and Our dreams are big too.  Though the dreams must be theirs not ours!   Will they love another?  Will they master their craft?  Will they see the world?  Will they cure cancer?  Will they be president?  Will they climb mountains?  Will they have ups and downs and all arounds?  Of course they will!  They will do all of this and soooo much more.    For now I am attempting to be a selfish and determine what is next for me and our family.  That being me, chris and the girls.  It’s hard to set boundaries with my mom, siblings, my husband and my children.   weather it’s this is what i am doing, do i need to ask permission, do I have to discuss ever decision with all of you?!  am i being selfish!  yes to some degree I am for my own self presevation.  I am attempting to do what I can for me that will be good for me and for our family.  My core family.  ME, chris, gigi and renee!     Working with my family has proven to be good and bad.  I must move past some of the history.  Of not being respected valued or heard.  Or at least feeling that way.  Though everytime I attempt to set a boundary or share an opnion, it is often met with such questioning.  IE:  why are you ordering papertowels from Office Depot?   Then the next is you and chris are business as usual.   And then me hearing that I don’t know why she is busy.  All she has to do is go to the post office, do a greensheet and go to bank.  While I am actually, taking calls, processing payments, working deals, processing 401K, taxes, closing out many moving business pieces.  All the while looking for my way out or my way to stay in that works for ME!   Chris is having nightmares of me leaving with the girls.  Or he is scared when I say I want to go on an interview.  He seems to tell me absolutely no about some jobs I have considered.   Which of course makes my hair crawl.  Whose decisions are these?  Mine? Yes I am thinking of our family in all of the decisions that I make.   For example when he was concerned about my decision to allocate some money to buy certain stocks.  And Kraig too may have felt like it was unneccessary.  And maybe it was!  But yes my head continues to consider some of my unknowns of my past. My birth, my adoption and what all that means now.  Chris keeps asking what would it change?  Why do you want to know?  Why did monica want to know?  What has she gained by knowing?  He has discussed hoping to have a relationship with her so that he doesn’t feel like he lost her again.   Well in all of my stuff, I feel like I have lost my dad again.  Lost what I thought I knew to be true!   Converstation being asked will I be able to forgive him?  As I said before yes I will have to I ahve no other choice.  I continue to  wonder what all is it that I am forgiving?  Forgiveness comes in many shapes and sizes.  Do i seek my story and see forgiveness for finding my truth.  Will my answers open me to more pain and questioning?  the unknown seems so daunting and overwhelming.  is it what i choose to focus on due to the other stresses around me.  our teenagers are launching and we are scared.  our business and lives are launching.  we have had so much flexibility.  will we miss some of that.  could i find peace in going to a simple boring job and not thinking of my family business.  or do i want a more complex job to learn something new and grow my skillsets.  or start something new and include our children in that?  Though everything I attempt to discuss with chris, I get kickback.  So I try to make plans for myself and then the kickback from Chris, our girls, my other family makes me pause and not move forward.  So then I go back to doing for others not for me.   This is my life!  I must do for me!  So our girls will do for themselves and stand up for themselves.  Boys and Girls will rule the world!!!!!   #FarOutStars

March is the Month of Me

Since 2008, my world has been watching and wondering about the world of interactive media.  I surprized Chris with a trip to Miami so I could attend an amazing conference.  The information was fascinating.  I learned so much. I had so many ideas and opportunities that we could bring into our community.   Unfortunately, what I learned and hoped to bring into our business was not well received.  So I shut up.   Watching as Northwest Arkansas brought them to life around us.   I admitt it was tough and still is tough to some degree.  I am not sure where my opinions, thoughts and voice became so mute.  I guess it is from years of being silenced.  Trying to explain my thoughts, ideas and opinions and being spoke to as if I don’t know anything.   There were times when I felt this growing up.  I worked hard to find my voice and stand up for what I believed with confiction and confidence.   Telling others to not use the inappropiate word about people.  Or at least not in my prescence.  Or telling someone to not use those words because they sound stupid when they use them.   As I now watch our children to grow and attempt to be respected and loved even when they think I am stupid.   As someone recently told me at different points of our children’s advancement, we have a feeling of have I taught them enough.  We feel an anxiety about what they still need to know.   As Gigi drives off in cars by herself, Chris and I have to sigh, breath and remember, we will never say or share enough.  She will have expereinces that her body, mind and spirit will help her be guide through those moments.   Once again, I am reminded that people would say you don’t understand what your future holds, wether that was growing into adulthood, getting married, having children or realzing that our big dreams of our childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age have changed then the changed again.  and they will continue to evolve and change as our lives expereinces evolve.  Sometimes it is difficult to remember what’s mine is mine, what’s theirs is theirs and what’s ours is ours?!!  and the world of expectaions is very surprizing.   Or suspecting a truth that my gut, mind and spirits didn’t begin to let me understand for soooo much time.  And with this surprize brings continued anxiety, anger, all emotions as I try to reconcile my thoughts and beliefs about this possible surprize.  As those around me say why does it matter?  What will it change?  As I cry and try to push it back down like I have done with so many emotions through my years.  For as long as I can remember, my crying was questioned or I was told I was too sensitive.  Sometimes I can be at peace knowing that is just who I am.  Sometimes I wish I could say inaproppriate words to those saying it and as WTF is wrong with you that you aren’t sensitive to these issues?  Or I could say WTF I said the same thing over and over and wasn’t respected or heard, but now that it’s out of the mouths of others or even you now have the idea, it is respected, valued and acted upon.   When our girls were younger, I recall discussing we have be the example we want for our children.   So if we are meek, too sensitive, too selfish, too loud, too mean, too aggressive, to opiniated, too assinine, too compassionate, they will learn that those are the ways we are suppose to be.  For example, if I demand time for myself, my friends, my husband, my family or have to fight to be heard and respected,  We will model this and they will grow up to not stand up to their loved ones, not take the needed time for themself with friends, family, not stand in their turths or their beliefs with strength and confidence to know that even though they may not agree with others each have the right to believe, practice, move throughout this world in the way that works for them.  Knowing that if our thoughts, actions, hopes and dreams for others are ours for them.  We can still love them and should feel their love and good intentions, when they stand in their convictions.  I used to say that if my father or brother saw others speak to me of my mother in the way that they speak to us, they would be FUCKING pissed at us for being abused in that way.   Yes they may have been fucking pissed at the person abusing us that way.  But I wonder would they be fucking pissed at us for standing my and doing nothing.   Would they not see themselves in the person abusing us? Would they not see that we behave this way because we have been conditioned to behave this way?  Recently a friend passed,  I wonder will I forever questions some of my choices and decisions surrounding the circumstances that lead to his death.  Will I find peace knowing that I was working from a place of love and due to my previous life experences, I had to pull back when I wanted to run to their side.  Should I have fought more to be with him, knowing that my husband and children had other hopes and needs from me.   Looking back, sure I should have, could have and would have.   Once again, I am confused by what stories are mine, theirs or ours.  Being asked to share others truths for them.  Is this a gift? A burden?  Or should they share their truths?  As I questions the truths, that may have been withheld most of a lifetime to be shared with me.  I have to question why?  where they scared to tell me?  where they sad to tell me?  where they afraid that I would not love them anymore?  where they afraid that I might not understand?  where they needing to tell me this truth so they could let go?  Then once they told me, I discredited their word and their truths and tried to explain in my best understanding of what they must have meant.  Yeah your my dad.  Well your not my dad but you are my dad.   Oh forget about it.  Are we okay?  yes you love me i love you and that’s all that really matters.  lyb

 

Sar’s common words

“you have a right to change your mind”

“when the student is ready, the teacher appears”

“would of, could have, should have”

“my children will hear my quiet words, as much as they hear my loud words”

“spell patience!  spell why?  spell i want to know why i have to give you my phone?” spell whose phone is it?”

“you know why your family installs your buttons, because they installed them”

“serenity prayer”

“see the what you want”

“sell me your idea”

“one percent rule”

“look up!”

“love ya bye”

“laid back 09”

“why do we watch football?”

“seriously”

“more good then bad”

“never say never”

“concentrate on your heartbeat.  i have two beating inside me. now i have one inside me, and many more beating out side of me”

“a mind that is stretched by an experience can never return to it’s original dimensions”