My father has been more present in my thoughts recently for a variety of reason. As I watch discussion about gun violence or the current state of our country, I am actually thankful he is not here. When he was dying the columbine shooting occurred. He always had the news on the television. The reports and images from columbine were raw and painful. At some point I explained to him that I wanted him to not watch the news while I was visiting because I knew the pain I would face once he died was similar to what the columbine community and our country were feeling. As these tragedies occur I think of my dad. I know he would be so frustrated and sad about the many injustices that are happening here there and everywhere. Though he wasn’t proud of himself I was. I knew his life had been harder than I could imagine. I often tried to understand his behaviors. His behavior at times was not appropriate. Therefore I looked for answers to why he directed his anger and pain to his family. He told me to never name a child after him. He said he didn’t want to have a service that included military honors. I think shame may have been a piece of why. This breaks my heart for him. Though I was thankful we didn’t have to endure a military service, his service was great. He signed up for service before he was old enough to serve. Therefore his family had to agree to let him serve. As a parent I can’t imagine sending my child to war. I applaud all of those people who sign up for service. And all of the families that support their service. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels. I can’t imagine signing up for service. But I am thankful to all that have and all that do. They are all #faroutstars to me!
What Is Your Attachment Style? *NEW POST*
Remember. For those that have served and died fighting for our country thank you. For those who currently are serving to help others. Thank you. My father was a World War II veteran. Often in my life I wondered about his past. I remember Bill being sad that dad would not talk about his time at war. I heard a few of his stories. But it was definitely something that he wanted to revisit or share. I imagine he experience a lot during his time in the war. He had signed up early to go to fight. His family had to sign so he could go. His family had experience lots of hardships. My dad explained that he would come home to find that they had been kicked out of their living situation. His siblings had to be separated sometimes due to their families circumstances. My dad also shared stories of hearing a car backfire and feeling like he was at war again. He often slept with a gun under is pillow. I would lay down to visit with my mom and my hand would slip under the pillow and I would feel the gun. My father’s gun scared me from a young age. I was awoke to hear my parents fighting. And my mom screaming at him to put the gun away. I never went out of the room. A brother may have intervened. No child should have to stop their parent from using a weapon in a threatening manner. But sometimes they do so that tragedy doesn’t occur. Unfortunately tragedy is a piece of life. My father’s life was filled with tragedies. Poverty, war, illnesses, betrayal, abuse and many more things that I can’t even imagine. As I grew up I often tried to understand my fathers behavior. Often wondering about nature and nurture. Fascinated by that piece of humans lives. Are we affected more by nature or more by nurture. My rational mind knows it’s both. I recall having some comfort sometimes in my life thinking I am not like anyone in our family. And some fantasy about another family. My adoption story included siblings and parents. I knew they were in a time of trials when my birth occurred. I often had a desire to see my mother. I wanted to know what she looked like. When I was younger I wanted to just see her. As I grew older I had different desires of the possibility of learning more about my birth family. Medical history? Thank you? So many reasons. And so many reasons I never wanted to search. I stuffed the emotions questions and things related to my adoption. For whatever reasons the stuffing has been harder and harder. And things continue to happen that make me stuff or push my needs to the bottom of the list
When we moved to Centerwood from Crestwood, I often questioned the move. We loved the mountain and our neighbors. Though I long to be in the woods, I guess living on a street with wood meets our needs best as our children grow. When we moved to Centerwood, I didn’t like the house so much that when I drove a good friend by and pointed she said “no way are you driving by my house and not showing me the inside”. So over the years, we have made it our home. I really only wanted to be there until our girls got to be teenagers, we looked at moving south before they went to high school. We considered a variety of homes in Northwest Arkansas. Though the whole family could never decide to leave the street! Renee loves the only home she remembers, Gigi was okay with idea of moving once she determined she could drive soon, Chris said we were the only fools that would buy our house. So we stayed. partly because we could never agree on things and we are tight. Too tight to spend money on the house, too tight to take on a bigger mortgage, too connected to the street and those we love on the street! The Gundermans were the first to move to this special piece of the street. It probably took us a while to actually get to know them. Like many in life, the Farnets are here, there and everywhere.
As mother’s day approaches, it brings mixed emotions to me for many reasons. Many, Many, Many moons ago I was adopted. I have known I was adopted as long as I can remember. It was and is a big piece of my identity. Once I learned about nature versus nurture, it became a big piece of my puzzle. Attempting to understand what was I getting from nurture and what I got from nature. These things I think led me to the world of Social Work. fascinated my families and people and what makes them function. As I have said all families are dysfunctional, they are all functioning the best they can. Mine was no different from others. Ups, downs and all arounds! Which is the constant theme of life. Their will always be peaks and valleys.
As this mothers day approaches, I am focusing more and more on myself and what I want out of life. What do I hope to achieve as a mother. What will our girls get from us? The good, the bad and the ugly? They will get it all and they will have their own good, bad and ugly. That’s what life is about. Finding our way through the ups downs and all arounds.
It’s been 20 years since my dad died on the early hours of the day after Mother’s Day.
I recently had the opportunity to spend a couple of days at the White Star River Retreat. The peace that comes from spending time at the place is refreshing. If you are looking for a place to get away from the hustle and bustle of your hometown, rejuvenate at White Star River Retreat.
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So I’m at the cabin with Harrisons and the girls to celebrate Abbie’s birthday. Silver dollar City tomorrow. Also know as spend your dollars, steal your dollars or the Disney of the Ozarks. Chris is at Hugo’s with a friend who I have known since high school. I voice my jealousy. Then my child, says I should go home. Knowing Chris is hoping to go work on trails at Emery’s property this weekend. One minute he says I should do whatever I want then when I try he questions my decisions or actions. On the way in town, I hope that I will look at some property that could maybe be ours. Though he doesn’t want to consider these options while I consider that a big chuck of my 401k cane from my parents. Therefore I have considered using it to start a business or buy property that could one day be a great investment or a vrbo. While Chris is ready to be south yesterday. Where we have committed to being here for at least the next four years for the girls to finish college. I like the idea of having property here that is not connected to my family. I am attempting to set boundaries with myself and those around me. Attempting to determine what I need to do for myself. Focus on me. As my counselor says you are in a bit of identity crisis. Sounds about right. My support group says find your answers. Find your truth. It’s yours to know. Chris will say what will it change. Then he will say well maybe you should find out for our children. I’m sooo scared. I really hope my suspicions aren’t true. But like the born with teeth story. Will I still questions the results of a search to trust the answers. I have learned that the adoption world was so say whatever you have to and then do whatever they want. I had a weird wonder recently wondering more about Jane Adams the founder of social work. I wonder if she had any connection to my Adams family. Never really understood people who did genealogy. But have been having a big pull toward learning more about that. So for now. We will wait and see.
The more a man knows, the less he talks. I have found this to be true. I often don’t speak when I should. Sometimes I speak when I shouldn’t. The balance of listening and talking is often a challenge. When I listen, I want to speak too. I often feel like others don’t want to hear what I have to contribute or think about thoughts or ideas that I have. So I speak less and less. While inside, I am struggling to find my voice again. To be heard trusted, respected, valued and loved. So is it my thoughts and words or is it more related to how I see myself in my life and relationships. So I am rebuilding myself. Rebuilding my relationships and determining where to put my energy at this point in my life. During this season of transition and growth , I have a strong desire to quiet the noise and find my hopes and dreams again. Knowing that everything happening will be different in a month from now six months from now a year from now and so on. When I look back, I want to know that I spent time on me focusing on what my hopes and dreams are so that I can help support my loved ones around me to dream big.
We were so happy to travel to Illinois to celebrate the love of Angela and Melvin.
I can remember when Patty and John were expecting Angela. It’s sometimes hard to believe that she is all grown up. Since our visits with John’s family was less frequent, we saw her slowly change through the pictures Patty sent or the visits from time to time. We were so happy to get the opportunity to get to know Megan better when she lives in Arkansas. The girls enjoyed having her babysit. Learning about bands and music from her.
As Sapril comes to an end. I seem to still be feeling like I need more time. So will Smay happened too. Maybe even Suly August is already my month because it’s my birthday month.
We just celebrated Chris 48 birthday with our annual crawfish boil. This party is fun though it is sometimes overwhelming for use all. I will for ever connect it to my father’s death and Mother’s Day. We had our crawfish boil then a Mother’s Day brunch then I headed to my dads. Why the hell was I planning Mother’s Day brunch and crawfish boil when I should have been at my mom and dads supporting them. Avoidance. Parties. Helps distract me from the magical mystery tour. Who what where why when. My who what where when why seems to be different from those around me.
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.” — Yoda
Farnets and Rubins won’t fear the world. These boys and girls are going to rule the world.
On the eve of Renee’s 15th Birthday, this quote about fear surprises me.
Fear has paralyzed me before. How do I expect these girls to not be afraid of the world and what’s to come? My fear has kept me questioning so many things. If I had the balls of Bette Midler or PINK, I would face those questions I have with my voice. But instead I wonder, wonder and worry about what the answers will bring me. Peace is what I seek. Will answer brings the peace I need to grow stronger and find myself again. The person I once was that spoke up spoke out and spoke often knowing that those could live or hate me and I didn’t care. Come to find out I care. Sometimes I feel like I care too much, too sensitive, too dramatic, too talkative. All these things have been told time and time again. They are the messages that go around and around in my head. So when I feel I think somethings wrong with me. He feeling of something being wrong with me has been a piece of my puzzle as long as I can remember. Is it abandonment issues due to adoption, is it related to my upbringing. Is it a piece that will always be a part of me. When it comes up I always seem to also remember Stuart Smiley. I’m good enough. I am smart enough and gosh darn it people like me.
I know people love me I guess I question if they like me.
As I see my girls grow and change I wonder how they will see themselves. My hope is that they will find all the good in he world and realize that they are part of the best of me. I am so looking forward to seeing them through this journey called life. They are my super special #faroutstars!