Sapril.

As Sapril comes to an end. I seem to still be feeling like I need more time. So will Smay happened too. Maybe even Suly August is already my month because it’s my birthday month.

We just celebrated chris 48 birthday with our annual crawfish boil. This party is fun though it is sometimes overwhelming for use all. I will for ever connect it to my fathers death and Mother’s Day. We had our crawfish boil then a Mother’s Day brunch then I headed to my dads. Why the hell was I planning Mother’s Day brunch and crawfish boil when I should have been at my mom and dads supporting them. Avoidance. Parties. Helps distract me from the magical mystery tour. Who what where why when. My who what where when why seems to be different from those around me.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.” — Yoda

Farnet and Rubins won’t fear the world. These boys and girls are going to rule the world.

On the eve of Renee’s 15th Birthday, this quote about fear surprises me.

Fear has paralyzed me before. How do I expect these girls to not be afraid of the world and what’s to come? My fear has kept me questioning so many things. If I had the balls of Bette Midler or PINK, I would face those questions I have with my voice. But instead I wonder, wander and worry about what the answers will bring me. Peace is what I seek. Will answer brings the peace I need to grow stronger and find myself again. The person I once was that spoke up spoke out and spoke often knowing that those could live or hate me and I didn’t care. Come to find out I care. Sometimes I feel like I care too much, too sensitive, too dramatic, too talkative. All these things have been told time and time again. They are the messages that go around and around in my head. So when I feel I think somethings wrong with me. He feeling of something being wrong with me has been a piece of my puzzle as long as I can remember. Is it abandonment issues due to adoption, is it related to my upbringing. Is it a piece that will always be a part of me. When it comes up I always seem to also remember Stuart Smiley. I’m good enough. I am smart enough and gosh darn it people like me.

I know people love me I guess I question if they like me.

As I see my girls grow and change I wonder how they will see themselves. My hope is that they will find all the good in he world and realize that they are part of the best of me. I am so looking forward to seeing them through this journey called life. They are my super special #faroutstars!

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