Tough stuff

-The oldest human longing- self revelation.

-there is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you.

-Dustin Bartholomew posted: My friend Johnathon Williams reminded me of this poem today. It’s appropriate.

Have compassion for everyone you meet,

even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,

bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign

of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You do not know what wars are going on

down there where the spirit meets the bone.

— Miller Williams

Kate spade, Anthony Bourdain and so many countless nameless take their lives. Hard to imagine what despair they were experiencing that they saw no other choice. I recall speaking with a 70 + year old gentlemen talking about holding a gun in his mouth and being glad that he didn’t succeed.

Our world has tough stuff being thrown at us in all sorts of ways. It’s flooding our networks. Flooding our hearts minds and souls. As patty duke “crazy is a godsend”. Or the famous song “crazy for feeling….”. I often feel like others are judging me due to my feelings. I realize that I am now the one others sometimes walk on eggshells around. I never wanted this. Or I walk on eggshells to attempt to not upset the emotions of others. Do I need to lean in. Lean in to anger lean in to sadness. Lean in to happiness lean into joy lean into confusion. As I read the forward to a book. The author discussed the feeling of some who know struggle when a story is released. I Paraphrased her eloquence. I connected to the words. So my narrative my story that I have known or connected to all my life has been shook shattered and squashed. Though I thought I knew some certainties now I am confused by so much. I keep being surprised. Surprised by myself and others. Will exploring my story help bring me peace and serenity. Will exploration and pause help me to grow. Will chris and I continue to come to the same roadblocks time and time again? Will I continue to feel like I have to fight to be respected by those that I love most. I have lost my faith in so much. Lost faith in the truths I thought I knew. I have lost my foundation my strength and my courage. Though I feel a big need to reconnect with my needs and desires I continue to put others needs above my own. Will I make it in the list. Will I always feel guilt? Will I always wonder why? Why ask why?

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