Birth rocks the stars.

Today I rode and listened to several stories; One about Bruce Lee the other about dna and gene testing, which brought many themes that are front and center in my life again. Our story is written by our past. Knowing and understanding our story and the stories, dna or genes of our pasts co tribute to our evolving story forever. The desires and frustrations that won’t seem to quite continue to move through my mind in many ways. For as long as I have known of nature versus nurture. I became fascinated. Maybe even a bit obsessed. Though the fascination obsession and though often got pushed down and stuffed deep within my soul. The feelings. Associated with being adopted have been complicated overwhelming and surprising. Though it was always there, I attempted to say it didn’t matter. Seems like it’s turning out that it has meant something and it continues to mean something. Though I keep attempting to stuff grin and hide the emotions that seem to be close to the surface, I am finding it harder and harder to do. Questioning what to do about also seems complex and overwhelming as well. As my friend said rather than run from the emotions could you lean into them. Though I have attempting to lean in more and more. They feelings and emotions are painful and make me sad and overwhelmed. I seem to get stronger and more confident about leaning in more to seek some of my truths then all the sudden I am well aware I start to freeze up and fill my time and energy with other work or focus. Having discussion with my counselor, support group and family to try to determine what I seek and will leaning into it bring me what I long to have. Some moments, I recognize that it will and it won’t. I also feel some frustration that whatever I lean into will come again and again forever. Other life events and things will bring these feelings and emotions again and again. So where will I get the peace and tranquility that I seem to seek. Prayer, meditation, counseling , writing, reading and processing with trusted confidants seem to be the way in which I am processing things. Though I know I am repeating the same piece sometimes time and time again to myself and others. Will this be the loop that I focus on until I fill the loop with other noise, interest or and focus?!?! For the fact that the circumstances of my birth seem to still be a surprising piece of my puzzle. When he stars align maybe my puzzle pieces will be reunited. Then I can focus on whatever puzzle I choose to create.

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