March Month of Me

As I begin the month of March.  I have claimed this is my month, my day, my year.  To find miyself again. To explore the places that I got hurt.  To heal the scars that nobody can see.  Thought many of the scars had been healed.  Though they came rushing like the ocean.  The waves have been crashing loudly over the last several years.  I have avoided them, ran from them, processed them, tried to quite the waves.  Though they keep hitting my heart, body and soul.  Therefore, I am focussing on what’s best for me and my immediate family first.  There was a time when I thought I would never marry and never have children.  Now I can’t imagine my life not having chris or the girls in my life.  As time moves faster and faster, I realize that one of the most precious commodities is time.  Time to quiet yourself! reflect! remeber! rejoice! Over the years, I adopt various mantras, tags, prays to help me center and find sarah’s smile.  sometimes it’s so deep, i struggle to release it.  sometimes it feels so overwhelming that i can’t face some of the hidden scars.  so i face my children and husband to center myself.  sometimes this makes me want to run as fast as i can to the middle of nowhere.  we see pink in a couple days.  i bought those ridiculously too expensive tickets around my birthday.  i held the secret and surprise til christmas.  now get so enjoy this experience with the people i treasure most.  i remember a friend in college told me you can count your true friends on one hand.  i had gone from having no friends to being nicknamed social butterfly.  sometimes i am introverted and sometimes i am extroverted.  no matter where i am for the moment.  i am still the same young girls working her way through this think called life.  finding and losing myself over again.   the girls are closer to leaving the nest then they have ever been.  they push and pull me here and there.  they want time.  sometimes when i am needing some time to myself.   i am working to put me on the list again.  often feeling like stuart smalley.  i am good enough! and gosh darn it people like me!   sometimes i am in the momment looking forward and other times i am struggling with things from the past that rear their ugly heads again.  i guess i just miss my friend.  sometimes that is someone from my past or sometime its me.  missing the me i once was and fight to find my way back.  find the sarah that was so carefree she hugged trees, didn’t shave her legs, spoker her mind, loved talking to everyone without worrying about getting shushed by the people around me or the voices in my mind.  speak openly without the thoughts: i am too sensitive, i am talking too much, why are you making that face, that’s weird.  i am reminded of a doors song i discovered when i was young:  people are strange.  well i guess i have found that to sometimes to be true.  when theirs nobody to remember their name.  i am sarah it’s a name from the bible, it means princess and warrior.  backwards it spells haras.  so hope i’m not harassing you too much!  #faroutstars

 

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