Monday Funday!

My emotions have been running so close to the surface.  I can’t hold them back at times.   A couple of weeks ago, Chris and I were running errands and I discussed some of my hopes of what I want to focus on in regards to some questions I have.   Something he said made tears flood out of my eyes.  I couldn’t stop them.  The emotion surprised me.  Today was similar.   Last week I had arranged to have a sale at the office to try to get rid of stuff.    At our crawfish boil, Chris started planning a vacation to the south.   Though, I want to do this, my hope was to get down there and stay down there a while.  I was hoping to try to make that trip in July.  By Chris planning it for June, that had to kick my ass into gear to get more things done before I leave.  Hopefully I will figure out how to get all the things I want to get done before we leave.  The reality is that I won’t get it all done.  I will come back to lots of things that still need to be done.   Closing up one piece of the business has been tough for me.  I continue to feel in the middle of so many things.   Chris and I continue to bust our ass to try to do as much as we can.  Though I never seem to have enough time in my days.   When I recently spoke with a dear friend, she said she pretty much does whatever she wants whenever she wants except maybe church.  I long for this again.  I like traveling alone because I do what I want when I want.  I keep trying to plan things for me.  It is hard that when I try to make plans or make decisions, I am then questioned and have a feeling that I have to defend my thoughts and actions.  For example my brother got angry with me about some things that I had arranged.  He said he just wished that I would treat him like a human being.  Which I said right back to him.  Sometimes I feel like the gum on someones shoe.   He came and we visited and he apologized and explained that he was really stressed.  All I could do is say I am stressed too.  Feeling that I am being dishonest with some of the stresses that I am choosing to keep to myself.  My tears made him loving to me and made him cry too.  His explanation of always hating to see me sad and doing what he could to make me not sad.  Everyone always acts as though I am too sensitive.  Maybe my sensitivity is not the issue.  Maybe there is much more to it.   My trust and faith in those around me has been shaken for many reason.  Years of working together.  Years of being belittled and scapegoated.  Years of questioning many things about my story.   If I choose to seek some answers for myself, will I find peace?  Will I create more chaos?  One minute I feel stronger in putting energy into me and doing what I want and the next I am thinking about everyone else and what they are thinking.   My confidence gets knocked down day after day.   I often feel a sense of having to answer for my thoughts, decisions and plans.  Chris says I need to give him time to come around to my thoughts.  I have had to tell him that sometimes I don’t need to be questioned about everything.  When our children and my family seem to question everything I suggest or everything I do, it makes me become quieter and quieter and to not even try to dream or plan for myself.


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