R to R

IMG_3170Return to reality. As I return to Arkansas, my focus seems to be disjointed. Where should I put my energy. My girls my work or my quest. My quest to find what I want to do next. My quest to answer some questions. Common themes seem to keep showing up. Lean in. The emotions come and I am attempting to lean into them. It’s surprising when and where they show up. For example with the current news with all of the discussions about children and families being separated. Words like trauma. Emotional scars and so on. For the majority of my life I have struggled. Struggled with emotions. Struggled to find myself. Struggled to figure out what is wrong with me. I have worked a variety of things to help me deal with these issues. Anonymous groups, journaling, counseling, doctors, medicines lots of stepping in and out of things to address these issues. The constant is that I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I am beginning to try to lean into nothing is wrong with me. Where does this question come from? Me? God? My past? My birth? My upbringing? My of my. Why ask why? Those around me have seemed to point out my faults or the way I see things. Therefore I seem to have to justify or fight to get what I want or to be heard or to be respected. My thoughts and opinions are often asked but then they are often dismissed. Therefore I have stopped doing or thinking. Constantly looking for others approval or validation for my thoughts and ideas.

I woke up emotional today. In the shower the emotions came thinking about motherhood. My mother’s. Other mothers I know who have difficult relationships with their mothers. And grieving what could have been. Since I have become a parent I have said. I didn’t know parenting had so much grief. As our children grow older and experience

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