Tough stuff

-The oldest human longing self-revelation.

-there is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you.

-Dustin Bartholomew posted: My friend Johnathon Williams reminded me of this poem today. It’s appropriate.

Have compassion for everyone you meet,

even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,

bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign

of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You do not know what wars are going on

down there where the spirit meets the bone.

— Miller Williams

Kate spade, Anthony Bourdain and so many countless nameless take their lives. Hard to imagine what despair they were experiencing that they saw no other choice. I recall speaking with a 70-year-old gentlemen talking about holding a gun in his mouth and being glad that he didn’t succeed.

Our world has tough stuff being thrown at us in all sorts of ways. It’s flooding our networks. Flooding our hearts minds and souls. As patty duke “crazy is a godsend”. Or the famous song “crazy for feeling….”. I often feel like others are judging me due to my feelings. I realize that I am now the one others sometimes walk on eggshells around. I never wanted this. Or I walk on eggshells to attempt to not upset the emotions of others. Do I need to lean in. Lean in to anger lean in to sadness. Lean in to happiness lean into joy lean into confusion. As I read the forward to a book. The author discussed the feeling of some who know struggle when a story is released. I Paraphrased her eloquence. I connected to the words. So my narrative my story that I have known or connected to all my life has been shook shattered and squashed. Though I thought I knew some certainties now I am confused by so much. I keep being surprised. Surprised by myself and others. Will exploring my story help bring me peace and serenity. Will exploration and pause help me to grow. Will Chris and I continue to come to the same roadblocks time and time again? Will I continue to feel like I have to fight to be respected by those that I love most. I have lost my faith in so much. Lost faith in the truths I thought I knew. I have lost my foundation my strength and my courage. Though I feel a big need to reconnect with my needs and desires I continue to put others needs above my own. Will I make it in the list. Will I always feel guilt? Will I always wonder why? Why ask why?

New Orleans-Tulane

A blog about Tulane, Tulane Admission, Tulane University, Tulane Blog, Tulane Admission Blog, New Orleans, visiting Tulane   Tulane University Admission Blog – Jeff Schiffman
— Read on tuadmissionjeff.blogspot.com/

Today we drove into the city to show the harrisons the french quarter. We basically drove in then everyone was tired and wanted to get nap. Kind of wish I had stayed back in the bay. I did have a nice visit with the poet in the french market. Many seemed frustrated because I was visiting with the nice gentlemen Charles. I spoke with him last time too. I enjoyed learning his story. Renee was about to pick out a dress pants suit that she wanted. We visited with a gorgeous young women who was fasting for Ramadan. Others were bored and frustrated by Renee and I wanting to visit buy and explore. Like always. It’s not about being in the moment but being in the next moment.

Love wins. Be kind.

Our conversation with our girls has recently included lots of information about being surprised by the way in which others hurt each other. Discussions of friends who have determined that they are trans but fear how their family will respond. For example they will be sent to places to pray the gay/sin away. Or others who don’t want to sit at the same table of another friend who is out as gay. Explaining that it is a sin. As our children grow, they must figure out the world around them. What they will stand for and what they won’t let occur. We know they are sensitive souls like Chris and I. People love passionately. People do their best to protect their loved ones. Protection of others is a natural response in life. Though we must sometimes focus on ourselves for our own self-preservation. Sometimes others behavior/act of protection causes other issues. Life is full of stuff. Everybody makes mistakes. We have been blessed to be loved by many and to love many. My hope is that our children will know love. It’s powerful. It’s beautiful. At times it can be more that we can understand. Love can be the thing that helps give us strength to carry on when life throws tough stuff at you. Like everything in life. Love ebbs and flows forever! It sometimes takes us to our knees to pray or causes us to hurt deep inside our soul. Our faith and force must shine bright during these times. For all the times, I have been unkind or passed judgment, please forgive me. For all the future times my actions will push the buttons of the ones that I love or those I don’t even know to love. Please accept my sincere apologizes. For I will continue to fail and do my best to try again and again. My intentions and behavior are often misjudged by those around me. And my buttons are pushed at times I least expect it. My emotions run close to the surface. Sometimes closer than at other times. For years, I have been taught to hide them, stuff them, deny them, ignore them. As I attempt to find the strength and support to lean in to these emotions, please forgive me if my emotions cause you discomfort. Maybe we all need to lean into the emotions that helps understand that all humans are processing lots of information all of the time. May we all be the best we can be most of the time. But as my favorite Dr wrote “kid you will succeed, except when you don’t …..