What do I want?



So much.  As I celebrate my 47th birthday and choose to celebrate all month-long.  My march is the month of me that turned out to not be much about me.  So I went on to enjoy Sapril, Smay, Sune, Suly and now I am getting August to do whatever I want because it’s my birthday month.   Do I get September and then Chris gets cocktober??

I have so enjoyed doing what I want and attempting to not worry about what I should be doing.  I think that I have been more true to me.  What is wrong with being true to me.   Meditating, reading, counselors, mentors and more say we should be are authentic selves.

For so long, I have acted from a place of what will others think, or respond based on how I perceived others would act or how I expect them to act.   I need to change my paradigm.

Rather then play out the experience in my head and attempt to foresee the situations.

IE,  think about a meeting or event, play out in my head the possible scenarios that bring me stress and frustration. Then be in those situations and get my feathers ruffled by comments or behaviors.  I realize that I am bringing that to my live.

The law of attraction.  What you put out into the world comes back to you.  IE my attitude has been putting negativity, frustrations, stress, blocks out.  So no wonder that I am getting that all back.  The cycle keeps repeating.  It’s my responsibility to break the cycle.  Break the cycle of abuse, break the cycle of belittling myself, break the cycle of building up walls.   Basically I need to break up with myself.  Break up with the energy and person that I have been putting out their.  So that the cycles will break.  Break my expectation that others will belittle me, Break my expectation that others will push my buttons.

Put out what I want.  Put positivity and love into everything I do and I will get positivity and love back.

I remember many, many moons ago a friend who attempted to allude that the person who broke into our house was the result of attraction.  So in someway I was sending that energy out and it was attracting back to me.   I still want to say BULLSHIT.  I will not own that I put energy out that brought about someone breaking into my house and sleeping on my couch.   I won’t own that.  Partly because I tend to take everything on myself.  If something breaks, it’s my fault.  My habitual “I Sorry” mantra was a phrase that my friend Falene broke me of saying by hitting me every time that I said it.   Though I broke the pattern of saying it.  My internal verbage has continued to say it, own it and manifest it.   So in my deep spots of myself.  Sorry for this and that.  Sorry for things out of my control.  Sorry when things are working out and me taking ownership when it’s not mine to take.   So rather than be sorry I want to glad.  Glad that somethings didn’t work out.  Glad that whatever is occurring is not necessarily my fault, but the way it is supposed to be.

Attract goodness!  Attract thankfulness!  Attract the deep moments of myself that are my true self.  My authentic self is in me, I have just lost touch with her.   Find her, embrace her, love her, be her.   Stop letting the fear keep me from being me!   For I am fierce.  I will Face Forward with my intentions and reconnect with me.

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