I started to explain that many adoptees are like that — afraid to speak up for themselves, eager to please and so desperate to be liked that they stuff their own feelings in favor of everyone else’s.
Your history defines who you are. You need to know it. What I find out as a result of searching is going to help me one way or another. When I’m dying I don’t want to be thinking I should have looked for my family. ”
Who? What? Where? When? So many questions have moved through my brain in so many ways. Who Are My parents and family? What made them decide to put me up for adoption? Where are they now? Dead? Alive? Looking for me? Will our worlds connect someday or not?
At different ages, my who? what? where? when? questions played out different answers. I had a variety of questions, answers and the mysteries that my brain explored as an adoptee. When I was a teenage, I questioned what my mother looked like. I had a strong desire to see someone who I may look like someday. It seemed to be attributed to physical appearances in my adolescence phase. I had a strong desire to see my mother. Even if it was from afar. It was like I wanted to see her across the room or across a parking lot. I wanted to see her but didn’t want to be seen. I almost wanted to spy. So I could see what she looked like? Could I see any similarities? Would I like what I saw?
I didn’t feel like I wanted much more than to see and visualize family. See people who looked like me. See others that gestured or moved like me. So many times, I would have people say you look so much like …… I can’t deny that made me envision others like me. Maybe siblings, aunts or others who favored my appearances and behaviors.
I then grew older, met others who had given a child up for adoption and felt a connection to these people. I felt a need to help those who adopted to know that adoption is good. I had a desire to meet my parents and let them know adoptions had been a good thing. I wanted to express gratitude. Though at sometimes, I recognize that I didn’t always want to be thankful. I wanted to know more of where my birth family had gone and how they were doing in whatever worlds they lived.