Mother’s Day•AP Testing•Snapchat Fun!

IMG_6629 Gigi working hard on Mother’s Day to prepare for AP tests.  AP tests were not in my world as a child.  My girls impress me that they have challenged themselves with these AP classes.  They have worked hard in these classes and maintained themselves.  Renee and Gigi are hopefully that they score three or above.  Whatever they score, I am proud of them for the dedication and determination to push themselves.  They impress me on a daily basis!

IMG_6624Renee worked on tie-dying t-shirts for her friends.  She is giving them t-shirts in honor of her birthday. Renee said “I guess that I just like giving gifts”.  What a wonderful lesson she has learned so early.  Giving can be rewarding and give to yourself as you give to others.

Now for some laughs watch the videos below:

 

Class of 2018

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We had a great night celebrating the HAAS Hall 2018 graduates. As I see these children set out to find their futures. It’s exciting and frightening on so many levels. The world is waiting. We know they will have ups downs and all arounds. All we can pray for is that they have more good experience than bad experiences. They are all such #faroutstars! Theses Boys and Girls will rule our world!

#HB1694

Thankful to be in the Arkansas Capitol on a Leadership Fayetteville trip. Because of this trip, I realized that another gun bill had been presented.  unfortunately, I had been a bit out of touch and had not been aware of this bill.  Once I looked into the bill, I realized that there had been lots of coverage.  When the bill was introduced another Arkansas representatives responses made this bill a national viral issue.  It is surprising to me that Ballinger feels justified to have submitted this bill.  I do hope that the majority of our representatives and our citizens are against this kind of gun legislation.  See links below to follow Arkansas Legislations and some of the coverage about #HB1694

Unknown.jpeghttps://accounts.youtube.com/accounts/SetSID?

http://tinyurl.com/y5c3cmp2

http://tinyurl.com/y23k9mst

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/03/09/gop-lawmaker-tried-silence-black-senator-gun-law-debate-she-stood-her-ground-won/?utm_term=.9806c8c12d50

my feelings come last!

Let’s Stop Making Adoptees Ask Permission to Know Who They Are

I started to explain that many adoptees are like that — afraid to speak up for themselves, eager to please and so desperate to be liked that they stuff their own feelings in favor of everyone else’s.

Your history defines who you are. You need to know it. What I find out as a result of searching is going to help me one way or another. When I’m dying I don’t want to be thinking I should have looked for my family. ”

Who? What? Where? When?  So many questions have moved through my brain in so many ways.   Who Are My parents and family?  What made them decide to put me up for adoption?  Where are they now?  Dead? Alive? Looking for me?  Will our worlds connect someday or not?

At different ages, my who? what? where? when? questions played out different answers. I had a variety of questions, answers and the mysteries that my brain explored as an adoptee.    When I was a teenage, I questioned what my mother looked like.  I had a strong desire to see someone who I may look like someday.  It seemed to be attributed to physical appearances in my adolescence phase.  I had a strong desire to see my mother. Even if it was from afar.  It was like I wanted to see her across the room or across a parking lot.  I wanted to see her but didn’t want to be seen.  I almost wanted to spy.  So I could see what she looked like?  Could I see any similarities?  Would I like what I saw?

I didn’t feel like I wanted much more than to see and visualize family.   See people who looked like me.  See others that gestured or moved like me.   So many times, I would have people say you look so much like ……    I can’t deny that made me envision others like me.  Maybe siblings, aunts or others who favored my appearances and behaviors.

I then grew older, met others who had given a child up for adoption and felt a connection to these people.  I felt a need to help those who adopted to know that adoption is good.  I had a desire to meet my parents and let them know adoptions had been a good thing.  I wanted to express gratitude.  Though at sometimes, I recognize that I didn’t always want to be thankful.  I wanted to know more of where my birth family had gone and how they were doing in whatever worlds they lived.

Analog-dial up-fiber lines

My great-grandmother and my grandmother lived for 103 Years.   I often thought of all the inventions, changes that occurred throughout their lives.

My great-grandmother was supposed to go the movies the day the theater in Chicago caught fire. The fire that changed the way our doors open forever!

My grandmother spoke of remembering the day the Artemis was signed.   The streets were alive.  They could ride the street cars for FREE.    Everyone was happy!

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Recently, I was visiting with a group of leaders in our community.

Technology advancements were being discussed.

I asked the group if any of them had read 1984.

None of them recalled reading them.  I explained how so many of the things we all found hard to believe and a bit scary have come to fruition.

When Steve spoke of his love of Diet DR. Pepper and the technology advancements that help him find the local sales on his favorite drink of choice seemed infectious.

I recall reading 1984 and discussing some of the science fiction that it described of the future.   On so many levels being tracked seemed creepy and alarming.  Discussing governments involvement in the abilities to watch people seemed concerning.

I am sure reading 1984 again would be fascinating.

Knowing that so many of the things that seemed so hard to believe have been developed.  The trick is to look at the positivity of the advancements and not be overwhelmed by some of the creepy sides of it.   I often say “I have a mixed relationship with technology”  “I love and hate my smart phone”.    Sometimes I daydream of a life where I am not so dialed in and on always.   Actually turning off the devices and enjoying sometime without the devices.   I am glad to not be a smoker anymore, though the phone addiction at times seems worse.   Luckily my lungs may be not affected in the same way as the cigarettes affected them.   The phone may be creating other stressors and strains.   The anxiety of “where’s my phone” is almost as stressful as “Dude, where’s my car? or Dude, where are my keys?”   The anxiety I see in our children about their phones is frightening on many levels.   The addiction they already experience is alarming.  Boundary setting is tough.   Especially as parents who struggle to set their own boundaries.

So on one hand, I want to unplug, disconnect and reconnect with the life before devices.  And on the other I want to plug-in, sign up and explore all that is developing around me.

Recently I was working from home, someone came to the door.  I was on the phone. Never heard the doorbell.  I thought that they were probably Mormons ignoring the No solicitation sign.  Eventually I went to the door, to find that they were door to door sales people.   Fiber lines were what made me glad that I had gone to the door.    By opening the door and inviting them inside, I found my way to many things that we had chosen to not have in our lives for so long.     By signing up with Vivint for a new security system, I can get Fiber lines as soon as they go live in our area.    Our home is currently getting 8-mps.  We are paying for 100 mps!  Since we are now working from home more and more. The 8-mps is very problematic.

So now we will have new security, dish TV and FIBER lines.

The company paid out my previous security contract!  Which was a lot of money.    I can’t get the FIBER lines fast enough.   A little bummed to add back another utility bill.   Embrace what it brings not what we lose.  So we loose more money each month.  Though we will have Saints games again!  Our children have actually come out of their rooms to watch TV.  Therefore, I must not give them username and password for the Direct TV.  If they have usernames and passwords, we loose them to their screens.  So yes we are lost to the TV screen.  But sometimes checking out in front of a screen is just what I need to decompress, reconnect and relax.

Security Systems Fiber Lines

Transformation.

My girls transformation happening before my eyes breaks my brain sometimes. In my head I think they are much younger. Then I see the. And realize that they don’t need their diapers changed, they can do so many things on their own now. They can even drive a car. Their needs are different now. They are transforming daily. Sometimes transformation is shuttle. Sometimes transformation is fast.

Renee has impressed me by self teaching herself special effects makeup. One great gift is the desire to learn and try things. When we are all younger fear has not crept into our hearts, minds and souls.

The joy a child has singing, dancing, trying new things with no fear is fantastic. I have often tried to explain or remind myself that we are really no different then we were when we were five.

Life happened and got inside of all of us. We experience amazing events and learn more and more each day. Our worlds expand. Unfortunately some of the knowledge brought anxieties and fears to me. These have kept me from being me at times. Kept me from experiencing life without angst. My goal is to find myself again. Show up for me! Model the person I am deep inside. So that my children will show up for themselves.

Grandparents.

Earlier this month as soon as I pulled in the driveway, Chris was out the garage door and at my car window. My first reaction was concern. Concern the girls were fighting inside. Concern there was a work issue. His face was hard to read. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous, scared, happy or what he was. He handed me a box. When I opened it I saw an ultrasound image in a frame with the words grandparents. I immediately looked back and Chris’ face was giddy. His expression was a mixture of happiness and tears. This is the face that I have seen before when he may be close to crying but he is desperately trying to hold back the emotions.

Monica and Dan had visited us in July in Arkansas. We had a great time showing them around Arkansas. And showing her off to friends.

Renee had a dream in the spring that Monica was pregnant. When I learned that Monica was in fact pregnant I asked Renee what she had in the dream. At first Renee couldn’t remember the dream. Then she remembered that it was a boy in the dream. I recall when Renee shared that she had dreamed that Monica was pregnant, I had thought well wouldn’t that be great. Though I had wondered if Monica and Dan wanted to have children or not, I didn’t ask. I have known so many that may have wanted children and it didn’t happen as easily as they would have hoped that I try not to ask and let others share on their own when they have entered the world of trying to conceive. When Monica came into our lives, I remember Chris mentioning that he could be a grandparent sooner than later. I remember thinking and saying well if that’s what they want I hope so.

On one hand it feels very surreal to be thinking of grandparent names. And I have enjoyed shocking some people when I say Chris and I are going to be grandparents. Knowing they immediately think Gigi or Renee are pregnant.

What do I want?

 

 

So much.  As I celebrate my 47th birthday and choose to celebrate all month-long.  My march is the month of me that turned out to not be much about me.  So I went on to enjoy Sapril, Smay, Sune, Suly and now I am getting August to do whatever I want because it’s my birthday month.   Do I get September and then Chris gets cocktober??

I have so enjoyed doing what I want and attempting to not worry about what I should be doing.  I think that I have been more true to me.  What is wrong with being true to me.   Meditating, reading, counselors, mentors and more say we should be are authentic selves.

For so long, I have acted from a place of what will others think, or respond based on how I perceived others would act or how I expect them to act.   I need to change my paradigm.

Rather then play out the experience in my head and attempt to foresee the situations.

IE,  think about a meeting or event, play out in my head the possible scenarios that bring me stress and frustration. Then be in those situations and get my feathers ruffled by comments or behaviors.  I realize that I am bringing that to my live.

The law of attraction.  What you put out into the world comes back to you.  IE my attitude has been putting negativity, frustrations, stress, blocks out.  So no wonder that I am getting that all back.  The cycle keeps repeating.  It’s my responsibility to break the cycle.  Break the cycle of abuse, break the cycle of belittling myself, break the cycle of building up walls.   Basically I need to break up with myself.  Break up with the energy and person that I have been putting out their.  So that the cycles will break.  Break my expectation that others will belittle me, Break my expectation that others will push my buttons.

Put out what I want.  Put positivity and love into everything I do and I will get positivity and love back.

I remember many, many moons ago a friend who attempted to allude that the person who broke into our house was the result of attraction.  So in someway I was sending that energy out and it was attracting back to me.   I still want to say BULLSHIT.  I will not own that I put energy out that brought about someone breaking into my house and sleeping on my couch.   I won’t own that.  Partly because I tend to take everything on myself.  If something breaks, it’s my fault.  My habitual “I Sorry” mantra was a phrase that my friend Falene broke me of saying by hitting me every time that I said it.   Though I broke the pattern of saying it.  My internal verbage has continued to say it, own it and manifest it.   So in my deep spots of myself.  Sorry for this and that.  Sorry for things out of my control.  Sorry when things are working out and me taking ownership when it’s not mine to take.   So rather than be sorry I want to glad.  Glad that somethings didn’t work out.  Glad that whatever is occurring is not necessarily my fault, but the way it is supposed to be.

Attract goodness!  Attract thankfulness!  Attract the deep moments of myself that are my true self.  My authentic self is in me, I have just lost touch with her.   Find her, embrace her, love her, be her.   Stop letting the fear keep me from being me!   For I am fierce.  I will Face Forward with my intentions and reconnect with me.

Volunteering Roots Festival 2018

I stepped away from my post for a moment. I needed a bathroom break. My friend said they would cover it. Turns out his uber showed up and he abandoned my post. Therefore my post was unmanned for about ten minutes. When I returned, I got reamed. She said many people got in while I was gone in. Which is interesting since I had not had one person attempt to enter without a wristband. I felt bad. My mind began worrying. Will I be banned from volunteering. I hope not. Since I did enjoy volunteering. Not sure I apologized to her for abandoning the post to go to bathroom and grab my drink. Got stuck visiting. I was probably gone a total of fifteen minutes.therootsfest.org/volunteer-2

Mistake made. Let it go? Should I find others and apologize? Go to volunteers booth apologize. Reach out to Melissa, Maria, the Hembrees or let it go? therootsfest.org

https://therootsfest.org

 

I saw Marci and apologized to her. Then I met Bernice Hembree explained what happened and apologized. I also complimented her on her young daughters behavior.

therootsfest.org/volunteer-2

While I was admiring all of the Roots Festival Swag, I visited with the Hembree’s daughter.  She was informative and delightful to talk with about the Roots Festival and Thadden school.    The children volunteering at the roots festival were fantastic.   I saw no phone activity while there were working their posts.  I can’t say I didn’t look to my phone at moments of boredom.  A young boy that basically was busing the Fayetteville Town Center.  His attitude and energy was so impressive.   I kept bragging on his work. Eventually I realized that I knew his dad.   Not surprising his dad is very polite, very kind and very impressive in the work that he does with Theater Squared.   I look forward to seeing him next week at the TS2 event so that I can brag on his sons behavior and work ethic.

These children are getting it: Getting experiences, getting work ethic, getting life experience that will last a lifetime.   Seeing these children makes me wish that I had forced Gigi to come volunteer.  Often I allow our kids to make decisions for themselves. As we get closer to a time when we won’t be able to control some choices and decisions that they make, I find the desire to not include them in some of the decisions.  For example signing Renee up to go to an overnight at Camp War Eagle, know she would moan and complain.   I was anxious about telling her.   When I told her, I didn’t give her an opportunity to complain or attempt to debate why she shouldn’t have to do it.

Recently Renee had presented a power point presentation about BORNs experience.   The power point was about why she would like to go see BORNs in Tulsa with one of her close friends.  It was impressive and effective.  As soon as she began the power point, I knew I was going to say “yes” if the dates and expense were reasonable.   Once she presented the information,  I countered with some of my requests and requirements for Dad and I to agree.

https://therootsfest.org/volunteer-2/