Return to reality. As I return to Arkansas, my focus seems to be disjointed. Where should I put my energy. My girls my work or my quest. My quest to find what I want to do next. My quest to answer some questions. Common themes seem to keep showing up. Lean in. The emotions come and I am attempting to lean into them. It’s surprising when and where they show up. For example with the current news with all of the discussions about children and families being separated. Words like trauma. Emotional scars and so on. For the majority of my life I have struggled. Struggled with emotions. Struggled to find myself. Struggled to figure out what is wrong with me. I have worked a variety of things to help me deal with these issues. Anonymous groups, journaling, counseling, doctors, medicines lots of stepping in and out of things to address these issues. The constant is that I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I am beginning to try to lean into nothing is wrong with me. Where does this question come from? Me? God? My past? My birth? My upbringing? My of my. Why ask why? Those around me have seemed to point out my faults or the way I see things. Therefore I seem to have to justify or fight to get what I want or to be heard or to be respected. My thoughts and opinions are often asked but then they are often dismissed. Therefore I have stopped doing or thinking. Constantly looking for others approval or validation for my thoughts and ideas.
I woke up emotional today. In the shower the emotions came thinking about motherhood. My mother’s. Other mothers I know who have difficult relationships with their mothers. And grieving what could have been. Since I have become a parent I have said. I didn’t know parenting had so much grief. As our children grow older and experience
Someone asked me why aren’t you having fun yet. Have I forgotten how to have fun. Is my pain too distracting to relax and have fun. If I explore some of my puzzle pieces will it be fun. Will starting something new be fun?
My emotions have been running so close to the surface. I can’t hold them back at times. A couple of weeks ago, Chris and I were running errands and I discussed some of my hopes of what I want to focus on in regards to some questions I have. Something he said made tears flood out of my eyes. I couldn’t stop them. The emotion surprised me. Today was similar. Last week I had arranged to have a sale at the office to try to get rid of stuff. At our crawfish boil, chris started planning a vacation to the south. Though, I want to do this, my hope was to get down there and stay down there a while. I was hoping to try to make that trip in July. By Chris planning it for June, that had to kick my ass into gear to get more things done before I leave. Hopefully I will figure out how to get all the things I want to get done before we leave. The reality is that I won’t get it all done. I will come back to lots of things that still need to be done. Closing up one piece of the business has been tough for me. I continue to feel in the middle of so many things. Chris and I continue to bust our ass to try to do as much as we can. Though I never seem to have enough time in my days. When I recently spoke with a dear friend, she said she pretty much does whatever she wants whenever she wants except maybe church. I long for this again. I like traveling alone because I do what I want when I want. I keep trying to plan things for me. It is hard that when I try to make plans or make decisions, I am then questioned and have a feeling that I have to defend my thoughts and actions. For example my brother got angry with me about some things that I had arranged. He said he just wished that I would treat him like a human being. Which I said right back to him. Sometimes I feel like the gum on someones shoe. He came and we visited and he apologized and explained that he was really stressed. All I could do is say I am stressed too. Feeling that I am being dishonest with some of the stresses that I am choosing to keep to myself. My tears made him loving to me and made him cry too. His explanation of always hating to see me sad and doing what he could to make me not sad. Everyone always acts as though I am too sensitive. Maybe my sensitivity is not the issue. Maybe there is much more to it. My trust and faith in those around me has been shaken for many reason. Years of working together. Years of being belittled and scapegoated. Years of questioning many things about my story. If I choose to seek some answers for myself, will I find peace? Will I create more chaos? One minute I feel stronger in putting energy into me and doing what I want and the next I am thinking about everyone else and what they are thinking. My confidence gets knocked down day after day. I often feel a sense of having to answer for my thoughts, decisions and plans. Chris says I need to give him time to come around to my thoughts. I have had to tell him that sometimes I don’t need to be questioned about everything. When our children and my family seem to question everything I suggest or everything I do, it makes me become quieter and quieter and to not even try to dream or plan for myself.
As I begin the month of March. I have claimed this is my month, my day, my year. To find miyself again. To explore the places that I got hurt. To heal the scars that nobody can see. Thought many of the scars had been healed. Though they came rushing like the ocean. The waves have been crashing loudly over the last several years. I have avoided them, ran from them, processed them, tried to quite the waves. Though they keep hitting my heart, body and soul. Therefore, I am focussing on what’s best for me and my immediate family first. There was a time when I thought I would never marry and never have children. Now I can’t imagine my life not having chris or the girls in my life. As time moves faster and faster, I realize that one of the most precious commodities is time. Time to quiet yourself! reflect! remeber! rejoice! Over the years, I adopt various mantras, tags, prays to help me center and find sarah’s smile. sometimes it’s so deep, i struggle to release it. sometimes it feels so overwhelming that i can’t face some of the hidden scars. so i face my children and husband to center myself. sometimes this makes me want to run as fast as i can to the middle of nowhere. we see pink in a couple days. i bought those ridiculously too expensive tickets around my birthday. i held the secret and surprise til christmas. now get so enjoy this experience with the people i treasure most. i remember a friend in college told me you can count your true friends on one hand. i had gone from having no friends to being nicknamed social butterfly. sometimes i am introverted and sometimes i am extroverted. no matter where i am for the moment. i am still the same young girls working her way through this think called life. finding and losing myself over again. the girls are closer to leaving the nest then they have ever been. they push and pull me here and there. they want time. sometimes when i am needing some time to myself. i am working to put me on the list again. often feeling like stuart smalley. i am good enough! and gosh darn it people like me! sometimes i am in the momment looking forward and other times i am struggling with things from the past that rear their ugly heads again. i guess i just miss my friend. sometimes that is someone from my past or sometime its me. missing the me i once was and fight to find my way back. find the sarah that was so carefree she hugged trees, didn’t shave her legs, spoker her mind, loved talking to everyone without worrying about getting shushed by the people around me or the voices in my mind. speak openly without the thoughts: i am too sensitive, i am talking too much, why are you making that face, that’s weird. i am reminded of a doors song i discovered when i was young: people are strange. well i guess i have found that to sometimes to be true. when theirs nobody to remember their name. i am sarah it’s a name from the bible, it means princess and warrior. backwards it spells haras. so hope i’m not harassing you too much! #faroutstars
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elevate adoptee voices
Today I rode and listened to several stories; One about Bruce Lee the other about dna and gene testing, which brought many themes that are front and center in my life again. Our story is written by our past. Knowing and understanding our story and the stories, dna or genes of our pasts co tribute to our evolving story forever. The desires and frustrations that won’t seem to quite continue to move through my mind in many ways. For as long as I have known of nature versus nurture. I became fascinated. Maybe even a bit obsessed. Though the fascination obsession and though often got pushed down and stuffed deep within my soul. The feelings. Associated with being adopted have been complicated overwhelming and surprising. Though it was always there, I attempted to say it didn’t matter. Seems like it’s turning out that it has meant something and it continues to mean something. Though I keep attempting to stuff grin and hide the emotions that seem to be close to the surface, I am finding it harder and harder to do. Questioning what to do about also seems complex and overwhelming as well. As my friend said rather then run from the emotions could you lean into them. Though I have attempting to lean in more and more. They feelings and emotions are painful and make me sad and overwhelmed. I seem to get stronger and more confident about leaning in more to seek some of my truths then all the sudden I am well aware I start to freeze up and fill my time and energy with other work or focus. Having discussion with my counselor, support group and family to try to determine what I seek and will leaning into it bring me what I long to have. Some moments, I recognize that it will and it won’t. I also feel some frustration that whatever I lean into will come again and again forever. Other life events and things will bring these feelings and emotions again and again. So where will I get the peace and tranquility that I seem to seek. Prayer, meditation, counseling , writing, reading and processing with trusted confidants seem to be the way in which I am processing things. Though I know I am repeating the same piece sometimes time and time again to myself and others. Will this be the loop that I focus on until I fill the loop with other noise, interest or and focus?!?! For the fact that the circumstances of my birth seem to still be a surprising piece of my puzzle. When he stars align maybe my puzzle pieces will be reunited. Then I can focus on whatever puzzle I choose to create.