It’s over a period of time as the self gradually evolves from one level of consciousness to another striving for authenticity and self autonomy. It’s the moment of choosing yourself! – lost and found betty jean Lifton

As I consider ME. What I want what I need. The emotions around motherhood. I am overwhelmed time and time again. Why is it. Is it because I am a women. Is it because I am a mom. Is it because I adopted. So much to consider. So hard to break the cycle of stuffing and ignoring my feelings and desires. They are all enmeshed discombobulating and scary. Understanding love and peace is what I long for. Will I continue to search and struggle with his forever. Oh my I hope not at this level.

“Grief on one shoulder, gratitude on the other”

Ann Patchett,

When parenting became a part of my life I often say d I didn’t know that their would be so much grief in parenting. For every step forward we must grief what has been lost. The small sweet fleeting moments. Sometimes wishing that they could stay the sweet young precious baby that life hasn’t taken hold of yet. Their innocence is so special. Their outlook their experiences are mostly positive and excited by the worlds around them.

I always liked work no with teenagers. When they were in the cusp of childhood innocence to adolescent angst. It often causes me to think of how we all want to remember that innocent happy feeling about the life. And we all long for it. The feelings of love protection excitement and strength to face whatever changes Les our way. Excited by the challenge.

R to R

IMG_3170Return to reality. As I return to Arkansas, my focus seems to be disjointed. Where should I put my energy. My girls my work or my quest. My quest to find what I want to do next. My quest to answer some questions. Common themes seem to keep showing up. Lean in. The emotions come and I am attempting to lean into them. It’s surprising when and where they show up. For example with the current news with all of the discussions about children and families being separated. Words like trauma. Emotional scars and so on. For the majority of my life I have struggled. Struggled with emotions. Struggled to find myself. Struggled to figure out what is wrong with me. I have worked a variety of things to help me deal with these issues. Anonymous groups, journaling, counseling, doctors, medicines lots of stepping in and out of things to address these issues. The constant is that I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I am beginning to try to lean into nothing is wrong with me. Where does this question come from? Me? God? My past? My birth? My upbringing? My of my. Why ask why? Those around me have seemed to point out my faults or the way I see things. Therefore I seem to have to justify or fight to get what I want or to be heard or to be respected. My thoughts and opinions are often asked but then they are often dismissed. Therefore I have stopped doing or thinking. Constantly looking for others approval or validation for my thoughts and ideas.

I woke up emotional today. In the shower the emotions came thinking about motherhood. My mother’s. Other mothers I know who have difficult relationships with their mothers. And grieving what could have been. Since I have become a parent I have said. I didn’t know parenting had so much grief. As our children grow older and experience

Fun

Someone asked me why aren’t you having fun yet. Have I forgotten how to have fun. Is my pain too distracting to relax and have fun. If I explore some of my puzzle pieces will it be fun. Will starting something new be fun?

Monday Funday!

My emotions have been running so close to the surface.  I can’t hold them back at times.   A couple of weeks ago, Chris and I were running errands and I discussed some of my hopes of what I want to focus on in regards to some questions I have.   Something he said made tears flood out of my eyes.  I couldn’t stop them.  The emotion surprised me.  Today was similar.   Last week I had arranged to have a sale at the office to try to get rid of stuff.    At our crawfish boil, chris started planning a vacation to the south.   Though, I want to do this, my hope was to get down there and stay down there a while.  I was hoping to try to make that trip in July.  By Chris planning it for June, that had to kick my ass into gear to get more things done before I leave.  Hopefully I will figure out how to get all the things I want to get done before we leave.  The reality is that I won’t get it all done.  I will come back to lots of things that still need to be done.   Closing up one piece of the business has been tough for me.  I continue to feel in the middle of so many things.   Chris and I continue to bust our ass to try to do as much as we can.  Though I never seem to have enough time in my days.   When I recently spoke with a dear friend, she said she pretty much does whatever she wants whenever she wants except maybe church.  I long for this again.  I like traveling alone because I do what I want when I want.  I keep trying to plan things for me.  It is hard that when I try to make plans or make decisions, I am then questioned and have a feeling that I have to defend my thoughts and actions.  For example my brother got angry with me about some things that I had arranged.  He said he just wished that I would treat him like a human being.  Which I said right back to him.  Sometimes I feel like the gum on someones shoe.   He came and we visited and he apologized and explained that he was really stressed.  All I could do is say I am stressed too.  Feeling that I am being dishonest with some of the stresses that I am choosing to keep to myself.  My tears made him loving to me and made him cry too.  His explanation of always hating to see me sad and doing what he could to make me not sad.  Everyone always acts as though I am too sensitive.  Maybe my sensitivity is not the issue.  Maybe there is much more to it.   My trust and faith in those around me has been shaken for many reason.  Years of working together.  Years of being belittled and scapegoated.  Years of questioning many things about my story.   If I choose to seek some answers for myself, will I find peace?  Will I create more chaos?  One minute I feel stronger in putting energy into me and doing what I want and the next I am thinking about everyone else and what they are thinking.   My confidence gets knocked down day after day.   I often feel a sense of having to answer for my thoughts, decisions and plans.  Chris says I need to give him time to come around to my thoughts.  I have had to tell him that sometimes I don’t need to be questioned about everything.  When our children and my family seem to question everything I suggest or everything I do, it makes me become quieter and quieter and to not even try to dream or plan for myself.

 

March Month of Me

As I begin the month of March.  I have claimed this is my month, my day, my year.  To find miyself again. To explore the places that I got hurt.  To heal the scars that nobody can see.  Thought many of the scars had been healed.  Though they came rushing like the ocean.  The waves have been crashing loudly over the last several years.  I have avoided them, ran from them, processed them, tried to quite the waves.  Though they keep hitting my heart, body and soul.  Therefore, I am focussing on what’s best for me and my immediate family first.  There was a time when I thought I would never marry and never have children.  Now I can’t imagine my life not having chris or the girls in my life.  As time moves faster and faster, I realize that one of the most precious commodities is time.  Time to quiet yourself! reflect! remeber! rejoice! Over the years, I adopt various mantras, tags, prays to help me center and find sarah’s smile.  sometimes it’s so deep, i struggle to release it.  sometimes it feels so overwhelming that i can’t face some of the hidden scars.  so i face my children and husband to center myself.  sometimes this makes me want to run as fast as i can to the middle of nowhere.  we see pink in a couple days.  i bought those ridiculously too expensive tickets around my birthday.  i held the secret and surprise til christmas.  now get so enjoy this experience with the people i treasure most.  i remember a friend in college told me you can count your true friends on one hand.  i had gone from having no friends to being nicknamed social butterfly.  sometimes i am introverted and sometimes i am extroverted.  no matter where i am for the moment.  i am still the same young girls working her way through this think called life.  finding and losing myself over again.   the girls are closer to leaving the nest then they have ever been.  they push and pull me here and there.  they want time.  sometimes when i am needing some time to myself.   i am working to put me on the list again.  often feeling like stuart smalley.  i am good enough! and gosh darn it people like me!   sometimes i am in the momment looking forward and other times i am struggling with things from the past that rear their ugly heads again.  i guess i just miss my friend.  sometimes that is someone from my past or sometime its me.  missing the me i once was and fight to find my way back.  find the sarah that was so carefree she hugged trees, didn’t shave her legs, spoker her mind, loved talking to everyone without worrying about getting shushed by the people around me or the voices in my mind.  speak openly without the thoughts: i am too sensitive, i am talking too much, why are you making that face, that’s weird.  i am reminded of a doors song i discovered when i was young:  people are strange.  well i guess i have found that to sometimes to be true.  when theirs nobody to remember their name.  i am sarah it’s a name from the bible, it means princess and warrior.  backwards it spells haras.  so hope i’m not harassing you too much!  #faroutstars

 

Northwest Arkansas Magazines on shelves & online!

 

 

  • American Classifieds-Thrifty Nickel  P.O. Box 2746 Ft. Smith AR 72913  479-785-5106
  • Arkansas Flavor Cookbook  501-375-2985
  • Arkansas Made
  • Arkansas Wild  501-375-2985
  • Ashleas Publishing/Real Estate Book  294 Sundown Dr Farmington AR 72730           479-799-9819
  • AYMagazine 910 W. Second Street Su… Little Rock AR 72201
  • BIKE Arkansas
  • Entertainment FT. Smith P.O. Box 1341 Ft. Smith AR 72902  479-494-1888
  • Fish Arkansas 501-375-2985
  • Food & Farm 501-687-1009
  • Job Guide P. O. Box 1098 Bentonville AR 72712 Angela Robinson 800-654-9776
  • Lindsey Apartment Guide P.O. Box 1098 Bentonville AR 72712                                 Angela Robinson 800-654-9776
  • Northwest Kid’s Magazine PO Box 1607 Fayetteville AR 72702  479-927-5288
  • Ozark Liviing P.O. Box 1607 Fayetteville AR 72702   479-927-5288
  • Paddle  501-375-2985
  • RunArkansas   501-375-2985
  • The Scout Guide 1708 East Anson Street Fayetteville AR 72701
  • Serious Shopper P.O. Box 27 Poteau OK 74953   918-649-0581
  • The Big Nickel 417-621-0286
  • TidBits 479-650-9660
  • Times Record River Valley Advertiser Fort Smith AR 72902  479-573-7084
  • Times Record River Valley Real Estate Fort Smith AR 72902 479-785-7703