Birth rocks the stars.

Today I rode and listened to several stories; One about Bruce Lee the other about dna and gene testing, which brought many themes that are front and center in my life again. Our story is written by our past. Knowing and understanding our story and the stories, dna or genes of our pasts co tribute to our evolving story forever. The desires and frustrations that won’t seem to quite continue to move through my mind in many ways. For as long as I have known of nature versus nurture. I became fascinated. Maybe even a bit obsessed. Though the fascination obsession and though often got pushed down and stuffed deep within my soul. The feelings. Associated with being adopted have been complicated overwhelming and surprising. Though it was always there, I attempted to say it didn’t matter. Seems like it’s turning out that it has meant something and it continues to mean something. Though I keep attempting to stuff grin and hide the emotions that seem to be close to the surface, I am finding it harder and harder to do. Questioning what to do about also seems complex and overwhelming as well. As my friend said rather then run from the emotions could you lean into them. Though I have attempting to lean in more and more. They feelings and emotions are painful and make me sad and overwhelmed. I seem to get stronger and more confident about leaning in more to seek some of my truths then all the sudden I am well aware I start to freeze up and fill my time and energy with other work or focus. Having discussion with my counselor, support group and family to try to determine what I seek and will leaning into it bring me what I long to have. Some moments, I recognize that it will and it won’t. I also feel some frustration that whatever I lean into will come again and again forever. Other life events and things will bring these feelings and emotions again and again. So where will I get the peace and tranquility that I seem to seek. Prayer, meditation, counseling , writing, reading and processing with trusted confidants seem to be the way in which I am processing things. Though I know I am repeating the same piece sometimes time and time again to myself and others. Will this be the loop that I focus on until I fill the loop with other noise, interest or and focus?!?! For the fact that the circumstances of my birth seem to still be a surprising piece of my puzzle. When he stars align maybe my puzzle pieces will be reunited. Then I can focus on whatever puzzle I choose to create.

TBD

My to be done list seems to still be long.   Am I filling it with tasks, so that I can be distracted by the things that I feel like I have to do?  Chris and I’s lists seem to be different.   I am struggling to get things that I want to get done so that I we can go on vacation and for me and the girls can stay down south for longer.    He keeps getting frustrated because I am concerned that I won’t be ready to leave.  He says that I am doing too much.  Common theme.   He says he wants to help but then I say help with that and he does other things. I keep trying to do what I feel I need to get done to get more of the pieces of the business closed out or to look at what’s next.

Tough stuff

-The oldest human longing- self revelation.

-there is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you.

-Dustin Bartholomew posted: My friend Johnathon Williams reminded me of this poem today. It’s appropriate.

Have compassion for everyone you meet,

even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,

bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign

of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You do not know what wars are going on

down there where the spirit meets the bone.

— Miller Williams

Kate spade, Anthony Bourdain and so many countless nameless take their lives. Hard to imagine what despair they were experiencing that they saw no other choice. I recall speaking with a 70 + year old gentlemen talking about holding a gun in his mouth and being glad that he didn’t succeed.

Our world has tough stuff being thrown at us in all sorts of ways. It’s flooding our networks. Flooding our hearts minds and souls. As patty duke “crazy is a godsend”. Or the famous song “crazy for feeling….”. I often feel like others are judging me due to my feelings. I realize that I am now the one others sometimes walk on eggshells around. I never wanted this. Or I walk on eggshells to attempt to not upset the emotions of others. Do I need to lean in. Lean in to anger lean in to sadness. Lean in to happiness lean into joy lean into confusion. As I read the forward to a book. The author discussed the feeling of some who know struggle when a story is released. I Paraphrased her eloquence. I connected to the words. So my narrative my story that I have known or connected to all my life has been shook shattered and squashed. Though I thought I knew some certainties now I am confused by so much. I keep being surprised. Surprised by myself and others. Will exploring my story help bring me peace and serenity. Will exploration and pause help me to grow. Will chris and I continue to come to the same roadblocks time and time again? Will I continue to feel like I have to fight to be respected by those that I love most. I have lost my faith in so much. Lost faith in the truths I thought I knew. I have lost my foundation my strength and my courage. Though I feel a big need to reconnect with my needs and desires I continue to put others needs above my own. Will I make it in the list. Will I always feel guilt? Will I always wonder why? Why ask why?

Tulane University Admission Blog – Jeff Schiffman

A blog about Tulane, Tulane Admission, Tulane University, Tulane Blog, Tulane Admission Blog, New Orleans, visiting Tulane
— Read on tuadmissionjeff.blogspot.com/

Today we drove into the city to show the harrisons the french quarter. We basically drove in ate then everyone was tired and wanted to get nap. Kind of wish I had stayed back in the bay. I did have a nice visit with the poet in the french market. Many seemed frustrated because I was visiting with the nice gentlemen Charles. I spoke with him last time too. I enjoyed learning his story. Renee was about to pick out a dress pants suit that she wanted. We visited with a gorgeous young women who was fasting for Ramadan. Others were bored and frustrated by renee and I wanting to visit buy and explore. Like always. It’s not about being in the moment but being in the next moment.

Love wins. Be kind.

Our conversation with our girls has recently included lots of information about being surprised by the way in which others hurt each other. Discussions of friends who have determined that they are trans but fear how there family will respond. For example they will be sent to places to pray the gay/sin away. Or others who don’t want to sit at the same table of another friend who is out as gay. Explaining that it is a sin. As our children grow, they must figure out the world around them. What they will stand for and what they won’t let occur. We know they are sensitive souls like Chris and I. People love passionately. People do their best to protect their loved ones. Protection of others is a natural response in life. Though we must sometimes focus on ourselves for our own self preservation. Sometimes others behavior/act of protection causes other issues. Life is full of stuff. Everybody makes mistakes. We have been blessed to be loved by many and to love many. My hope is that our children will know love. It’s powerful. It’s beautiful. At times it can be more that we can understand. Love can be the thing that helps give us strength to carry on when life throws tough stuff at you. Like everything in life. Love ebs and flows forever! It sometimes takes us to our knees to pray or causes us to hurt deep inside our soul. Our faith and force must shine bright during these times. For all the times, I have been unkind or past judgment, please forgive me. For all the future times my actions will push the buttons of the ones that I love or those I don’t even know to love. Please accept my sincere apologizes. For I will continue to fail and do my best to try again and again. My intentions and behavior are often misjudged by those around me. And my buttons are pushed at times I least expect it. My emotions run close to the surface. Sometimes closer then at other times. For years, I have been taught to hide them, stuff them, deny them, ignore them. As I attempt to find the strength and support to lean in to these emotions, please forgive me if my emotions cause you discomfort. Maybe we all need to lean into the emotions that helps understand that all humans are processing lots of information all of the time. May we all be the best we can be most of the time. But as my favorite Dr wrote “kid you will succeed, except when you don’t …..

Thank you

My father has been more present in my thoughts recently for a variety of reason. As I watch discussion about gun violence or the current state of our country, I am actually thankful he is not here. When he was dying the columbine shooting occurred. He always had the news on the television. The reports and images from columbine were raw and painful. At some point I explained to him that I wanted him to not watch the news while I was visiting because I knew the pain I would face once he died was similar to what the columbine community and our country were feeling. As these tragedies occur I think of my dad. I know he would be so frustrated and sad about the many injustices that are happening here there and everywhere. Though he wasn’t proud of himself I was. I knew his life had been harder then I could imagine. I often tried to understand his behaviors. His behavior at times was not appropriate. Therefore I looked for answers to why he directed his anger and pain to his family. He told me to never name a child after him. He said he didn’t want to have a service that included military honors. I think shame may have been a piece of why. This breaks my heart for him. Though I was thankful we didn’t have to endure a military service, his service was great. He signed up for service before he was old enough to serve. Therefore his family had to agree to let him serve. As a parent I can’t imagine sending my child to war. I applaud all of those people who sign up for service. And all of the families that support their service. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels. I can’t imagine signing up for service. But I am thankful to all that have and all that do. They are all #faroutstars to me!